Sunday, May 17, 2009

DotW & VoH Present: "Till Death Do Us Part"

B-Sol here along with BJ-C, for a little exercise in horror fantasy. See, anyone who's been playing along at home knows that I've got what you might call a mild obsession with Trash, as portrayed by the scrumptious Linnea Quigley in The Return of the Living Dead. And as for BJ-C, well let's just say that she's willing to be Bruce Campbell's "Ash tray". So the two of us put our heads together and collectively wondered, what would life be like if we were both married to our respective horror movie paramours?

* * * * * * * * * *

Trash Solomon. I just like the sound of it, don't you? I can only imagine what a wedding it would be--held of course, in the dead of night in the largest, most decrepit old graveyard we could find. Best of all, after the ceremony, she would provide the reception entertainment as well! I imagine that any questions raised by my family as to whether or not she was Catholic would be forgotten by that point.

And then, a life of wedded bliss with the hottest piece of zombie bait to ever walk the face of God's green earth. Coming home after a long, hard day's work, to candlelit dinners eaten to the dulcet strains of The Cramps, The Damned and .45 Grave. Followed, of course, by a nightly striptease. With all due respect to the current Mrs. B-Sol, does it get any better?

We would spend our evenings wrapped in deep conversations, laughing merrily as we mused about all the horrible ways there are to die... Sigh...

And don't get me wrong--I know that underneath that hardened punk exterior lurks a tender and vulnerable young woman, whom a simple thunderstorm could frighten. That's when ol' B-Sol would be there to comfort her, to run my fingers through her chemically treated shock of crimson locks, as I whispered gently, "You think this is a fuckin' costume?? This is a way of life!!"

Yes, it would be a wonderful thing to be locked in the bonds of matrimony with Trash. So much to share, and all the time in the world to share it. But I guess the greatest part of all would have to be the promise of frequent and completely random full-frontal nudity...

Two words: I do!!

* * * * * * * * * *

Mr. and Mrs. Ash Williams *sighs*. If I didn't already have a 4th grade notebook with Mrs. Brittney-Jade Williams written all over it, this idea may have been a stretch. However, after my endless hours watching The Evil Dead. I have it all planned out.

On a bright sunny day at the Medieval Times, our tons of guests "both living and deadites" would make their way scurrying to our wedding. Each person would come with our wedding invitation in hand, possessing only two words on the cover; JOIN US. A priest would stand before us, delivering our vows from the Necronomicon Ex-Mortis. As he leans in to kiss the bride, he whispers in my ear "Gimme some sugar, Baby". How fucking romantic...

After our honeymoon is spent in the quaintest little cabin in Tennessee, Ash and I have decided to settle in East Lansing, Michigan. In the production of our house, we have decided that there is no need for Brinks Home Security, as we have recently invested in some very special trees. Putting together our home on a newlywed budget was actually quite easy, as we receive a 25% discount from S-Mart.


He is certain to shower you with plastic jewelery that looks like he got it out of a grocery store vending machine. In my life though, it's quantity over quality baby. You know when you marry a man, you marry his family right? Well let me tell you, my new sister-in-law Cheryl plays a MEAN game of cards.

Our days would be full of endless bliss. As long as I have the special mirror, I am able to fully participate in a three-some while also being 100% faithful to my man. We've trained his possessed hand to act much like "Thing" from the Addams family. Not only does he pick up the paper in the morning, but he also serves as my...favorite night time accessory. Our love life is great, despite the whole chainsaw thing. Don't believe me? Let's just say, he doesn't possess just one boom stick ;)

HorrorBlips: vote it up!

9 comment(s):

B-Sol said...

Bonnie & Clyde strike again...

Planet of Terror said...

Rich and compelling. I love scotch.

Planet of Terror said...

....and that was awesome. I'd want to be married to Anna Fulchi from Cemetary Man.

BJ-C said...

Don't we all though? Best. Tits. Ever.

B-Sol said...

Yes, and I encourage any doubters to go here:

http://www.wallpapergate.com/data/media/39/Anna_Falchi_007.jpg

Can I be a bigamist?

BJ-C said...

I think I just came.

B-Sol said...

You *think*? Hmm, couldn't have been that great then...

RayRay said...

To BJ-C, that was what we call pillow talk, baby.

To B-Sol, it looks like you fell for the first girl you saw naked. <:^P

B-Sol said...

Ugh, story of my life!

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