Friday, May 29, 2009

The 10 Most Unfortunate Horror Movie Titles

Hallelujah Hollaback! It's FRIDAY! I love Fridays. The restaurant, as well as the day. I currently had a little food date with some of my fellow beauty queens and we got to talking about horror films that have pretty unfortunate names. You know how they say "don't judge a book by it's cover"? Well, sometimes you can't judge a film by its title. So here's 10 or so films that have pretty unfortunate names. This isn't to say I think the films are bad, I'm just saying...title blows.

10) Leprechaun 4: In Space
We all know that BJ-C loves her some horrible B-Movies. However, this title is absolutely awful. At least Leprechaun in Da Hood has some ghetto aspect to it that draws my attention. This...doesn't. They could have used something like "Leprechaun Galactica" to play on words, they didn't think ahead, and made a boring title. Cool, a 3 foot tall, evil Irish dude in Space. I could have sent Kenneth Branaugh's ginger self up there and gotten the same effect.

09) GingerDEAD Man:
See, normally I enjoy things that include "dead" to make a pun. For example "RetarDEAD, Heath DEADger, etc etc" This however. Is pretty lame. I'm sorry, but including the word DEAD in Gingerbread, does not make me scared. There is nothing you can do to make a Christmas cookie scary. Sorry, blame Dreamworks. They made talking Gingerbread cookies hilarious.

08) I Know Who Killed Me:
Really Lindsay, cause I know who killed you (and your career) too...his name is Al Kohall. Not to mention his accomplice Pantie Lackoff. First of all, if you're putting Lindsay Lohan anywhere NEAR a serious film, it better have a damn good title. We've all seen the proof, if Disney or Tina Fey didn't make the film...she's going to suck HARD. Both on screen & off. This title is awful, and so is the poster. Be on the lookout for it's appearance on TPT.

07) Thir13en Ghosts:
Why the numbers, Why? We get that you're remaking a classic, and you want it to be more modern and hip, but the numbers? REALLY? This isn't Se7en. You can't get away with that. If you have a craptacular remake, you might as well keep the original title so people know the original film you just massacred. Plus, you wrote it in attempted 1337. THIS FILM HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE INTERNET.

06) Fear Dot Com:
Apparently, our society isn't smart enough to see .com and realize you say it "dot com" rather than I don't know, period com or circle com, or puncuation mark for the end of a sentence com. However, the wonderful people at thought it would be necessary for us to have it spelled out for us.

05) JEEpERs CrEEpers:
Jeepers Creepers,
Wheredja get those peepers,
Jeepers Creepers
The End.

04) I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer:
Okay, so it sucks that Knowing doesn't work the way good, better, best does. And I know, turns into I still know, and I still know turns into I always know. That is depressing because it makes a really awful and VERY LONG title for a horror film. By the way, since this happened, I don't 3 summers ago. Wouldn't it be "I'll Always Know What You Did Three Summers Ago?" Yeah, get your story straight.

03) Predator:
Do it, lash out at me, I DARE YOU. But when was the last time someone came to your door and said, I'm sorry to inform you that a convicted predator has moved into the neighborhood and you instantly thought of FrickFace McGee over there? I doubt that. I'm sorry but no one thinks of predator in the predator/prey sort of context anymore. However, I won't doubt how cool that would be. Could you imagine what "How To Catch A Predator" would be like if we were chasing you know....PREDATOR?! Awesome.

02) Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things:
Thankyou Dr. Phil. I'm so glad you pointed this out to me. I mean, I had a severed head and the corpse of Grandma Jo all gift wrapped for her to play with. However by some miraculous act of GOD, I came across this film and it showed me how these purchases were so last season. I guess I'll settle with a Barbie doll or hula-hoop or something. Jeeze, what would I do without you?

01) The Midnight Meat Train:
Clive, I'm sorry dude, but this sounds like the opening to a really bad Gay Porn. There were about 10293293478 different things you could have used. Like B-Line Butcher or Midnight Slaughter, I don't know, something. But no, you used MEAT. And a Meat Train sounds like a bunch of dudes making a locomotion ramming. I mean, the first time I said to my boyfriend "Hey, wanna watch the Midnight Meat Train?" he replied with "No, that sounds like a bunch of guys butt-secksing" Doesn't help that the guy hangs naked men from the rafters... Such a shame, because the film is awesome.

10 comment(s):

B-Sol said...

Hmmm...knowing Clive Barker, the dude probably had that hidden meaning in mind...
P.S. This list rules.

Johnny said...

Great list and yes, being that Barker is flaming gay, I too think Midnight Meat Train may been an intentional gay pun of sorts!

And kudos for mentioning Gingerdead Man! I can't get enough of that movie. "There is nothing you can do to make a christmas cookie scary." What about making Gary Busey the voice of that Christmas cookie!! Ok, so it's still not scary, but it's pure cheesy fun!

monsterscholar said...

Giant Gingerbreadman from Shrek: "Be good..."
Baked goods aren't scary unless I'm the cook.

Unknown said...

great list but "children.." is a great title...won't forgot it

Cins said...

One title I think would fit in is "Death Bed, The Bed That Eats".
But I gotta admit, the title of the film does deliver what you'd expect.
Kick ass blog BTW!

Anonymous said...

I'll admit, I liked 'I Know Who Killed Me'. Not the best movie ever but it was entertaining.

GingerDead Man is freakin' awesome! Made me glad that Busey is still finding work.

CRwM said...

To be fair, I think Midnight Meat Train is supposed to evoke gay porn. The subtext of the movie is the main character is being drawn away from the surface/straight world - and his girlfriend, who he just can't seem to marry gosh darnit - into the underground because of his obsession with a dude named after a variety of wood.

BJ Colangelo said...

CrwM! I knew someone was gonna catch that!!! Even if that's the point, it goes over 90% of people's heads. :D Not to mention that the guy named after wood also spends his day handling meat when he's not killing...

Garg Unzola said...

I'm so going to write the script for Predator 3. Arnie, Dolph Lundgren AND Jamie Lee Curtis and Ripley from Alien whatever her real name is would star. The main plot point would obviously be Predator's mommy coming to kick more ass and leave a less discreet trail of destruction in her wake.

Arnie would say (right before being ripped a new one): "If it bleeds.. we can kill it.. but if it bleeds once a month.. *gurgle * sputter *die".

I just need to work around the little problem of reptilian aliens ovulating.

Unknown said...

Oh come on you lot, I'm gay and even I can realize there's no gay subtext in Midnight Meat Train. Please, go back to your Nightmare on Elm Street 2.

Thir13en Ghosts title is bearable because the movie is entertaining and I really do like Matthew Lillard.

It's weird, they didn't do that capitalization for "Jeepers Creepers 2".

"I'll Always Know What You Did Last Summer" is so bad as a movie title, it's almost perfect.

"Midnight Meat Train" is catchy and kind of alliterates. I can 'get' why he called it that, it's quite memorable whereas "Midnight Slaughter" is a bit generic.

- Zac

PS: Also, everyone loves a movie with "train" in the title. Examples: Snakes on a Train, Trains, Planes and Automobiles. I rest my case!

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