Sunday, May 31, 2009

Drag Me To Hell....with Beauty Queens. [MILD SPOILERS]

So, I expected Drag Me To Hell was going to be amazing. You wanna know what that film did with my expectations? Sam Raimi took my expectations gave it a swirlie, picked it last for the dodgeball team, kicked the living heck out of it and said SCREW YOU EXPECTATIONS, I'M SAM RAIMI AND I'M ABOUT TO COLD COCK YOU. Yeah...that's about right.

I also saw Drag Me To Hell with two of my most favorite beauty queens. Miss Antioch: Melissa Zemen and Miss Lake County of Gurnee: Erin Baynes. I will be one to tell you that your audience completely makes your theatre experience. I had the perfect friends, perfect audience, perfect time, perfect atmosphere.

So we get to the theatre, hopped up on Chili's and sugar when Erin goes to save seats for Melissa and myself while our wee little bladders needed some emptying. After walking into the theater, shouting "ERIN!" to find her, we also drew the attention of some mega creeper boys. At one point Erin said something about "DRAG ME TO HELL ALREADY" or something to that affect, when one of the same smart mouth boys says "I'LL DRAG YOU TO MY BEDROOM". That was the first sign that this theater was going to be absolutely amazing.

Now, let me tell you a little bit about my two tall blondes I had with me last night. Erin is my best friend/sister/BFF/whatever you call it. Erin loves some horror films, doesn't have the chops as I do, but I'm teaching her :). So She was PUMPED to get scared, which is exactly how I am. Melissa on the other hand was freaking out about it an hour before we got to the theatre. She sat with her knees up, hands over her eyes, and wailed at everything. It was the perfect combination.

So throughout the film, Melissa is screaming her brains out, Erin is in shock of how awesome the film is, I'm laughing hysterically at all the Evil Dead similarities. When we saw that good ol' Pontiac, I'm shocked Erin and I didn't jump at the screen. So then, there's the car scene. My audience was ROARING. Erin screams, and then bursts into excitement with me, while Melissa was curling in her seat. There was a handful of "urban stereotypical" people yelling "GIRL, GET OUTTA THAT CAR! DON'T YOU BE TURNING AROUND" and some kids that got in because it's PG-13 and couldn't handle it.

So I've come to the conclusion that Sam Raimi knows exactly what will freak us out. Anytime that damn woman came on screen and gummed people or spit, or hell even opened her mouth, the audience was cringing. Whoever was the makeup artist, I salute you my friend. So anyways. The seance scene comes up and there's that laughing curtins and talking Goat and junk. I'm pinching Erin's arm going OMG IT'S JUST LIKE THE EVIL DEAD! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, IT'S JUST LIKE IT! She turns to me and goes "Brittney...SHUT. UP". I'm so suprised she didn't beat me up for every excited and stupid comment I had to make throughout the film. At one point, the film gets very quiet after what I want to say was the bedroom flying around the ceiling like NOES and Melissa says in her proud "Amber Atkins" voice..."Oh God". The audience DIES. Ooh, also. I love how the poster has been giving away the end of the movie this whole time...and no one knew. I predicted the whole "giving the coin instead of the button" thing, but I wasn't sure if it was gonna take her or Clay. Regardless....AWESOME.

My favorite part however, was the HANDkerchief. As much as I hate the little bugger for being CGI'd up the yin-yang, IT WAS ASH'S HAND. I swear on my life it's the same thing. You gotta rip it apart to stop it, and even after its been dismembered and you're crushing it, it's still squealing around like a baby pig. I could have died right then and there. So after the movie is all over, I'm in my car and Erin + Melissa are in Melissa's car. Erin had planned to stay the night instead of driving 2 hours to Rockford. I asked Melissa if she would JOIN US in a sleepover. She declines to which I look her in the eye and say "You...you shame me" It's then that she screams bloody murder and flips out.


So yes, Drag Me To Hell is 150 BILLION percent approved by not only Day of the Woman, but also The Lake County Community Pageant :). How can we not? She was a fat fair queen!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Exclusive Excerpt from Chapter 9 of DEAD MEAT.


If you didn't see my review of the blog, it's HERE.

"So about the actual blog. Any joe-schmo can write us a Zombie fiction that is nothing more than over processed Romero references vomited through a high school literacy level filled with nothing more than blood, guts, and death. However, it takes REAL talent to give us a zombie tale that is intriguing, entertaining, and ultimately...REAL.
"

I've befriended the authors and they have given me permission to put up exclusive exerpts from upcoming chapters, I've got one for you here today! So check out their blog at http://www.deadmeatblog.blogspot.com/

Exclusive excerpt from Dead Meat’s ninth chapter titled “Controversy, Cattle Prods and a Handle of Beam”

“Maverick here, on 88.5 FM, filling in for. . .well, everyone. I guess we have ‘The Underground
Sound’ running till I pass out from dehydration, starvation, and any other –ation that may come
my way, ha!

“But no, seriously folks, we’re gonna run the show as much as we can, primarily for rational
reasons. What’s the point of having a radio station if you have no hosts? So, I, being the sultan of
awesomeness, have sacrificed my spare time and ultimate bachelor status—it’s hard to get a hot
date when you’re in a cramped studio sweating like a pig in heat—to bring you some form of
entertainment. God knows, we need something to ridicule around here.

“So, I’m still not sure as to what exactly is going on here in our backwoods town, but I do know
that I still have some diseased pricks wandering around my humble sanctuary and dodging in andout of the little patch of woods we have on the lot. Hell, they remind me of squirrels—making
grinding noises and scurrying around trees—I’m just waiting for one to walk out in the street to
get KAPOWED! by car. Friggin’ pricks. I say give me a cattle-prod and a handle of Beam and
I’ll solve this little problem we have, ha ha!

“Can you imagine that? Your local Maverick gallivanting around, shocking these douches while
getting hammered on Beam? Next thing you know, I’d probably wake up wrapped in a Persian
rug with no pants on and some duct tape and peaches next to me. Then, of course, I’d probably
go rabid and eat myself or something. What a way to go, man. I’m telling ya. . .”

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Woman of the Week: Helena Bonham Carter


Hallelujah Hump Day! I'm super digging the big heaps of comments my entries are getting, keep commenting! I love talking to you kids! Hell, I don't know why I'm calling you kids....I'm probably 10 years younger than most of you...

Anyways! This week I've brought you one of my favorite actresses. She is living proof that when it comes to horror films, its quality over quantity baby. Helena Bonham Carter or "The Domestic Partner of Tim Burton" as some may call her has done some of the coolest films and has rocked some truly awesome roles.


She took the voice of Lady Campanula Tottington in Wallace and Gromit: The Curse of the Were Rabbit. Now, before you write this off...ITS A WERE RABBIT. It's right up children's horror film alley. Lady Tottington is the claymation/plastic character version of Gwen. Lady Tottington has to host the vegetable contests and keeps getting pestered by those damn were-rabbits! She is paired alongside Lord Victor Quartermaine, but it is shown that she falls for Wallace. However but poor Wallace has to be the Were-Rabbit at night time! What a shame to be in love with the Were-Rabbit! Extremely watered down for children, but super entertaining, it spoonfeeds the little ones a bit of scaryness while still holding the silly values. And they did a damn good job...it won an Oscar.

My personal favorite role of hers is Bellatrix Lestrange; one of the Death Eaters in the Harry Potter chronicles. On the list of wonderful things that Bellatrix Lestrange has done/will do in the films...Tortured Neville Longbottom and murdered Sirius Black in the break-in at the Department of Mysteries. She tortured Hermione Granger and Griphook, and murdered Dobby (Harry's House Elf) at Malfoy Manor. Murdered Nymphadora Tonks and attempted to murder Ginny Weasley during the Battle of Hogwarts. Whoever said Harry Potter was a kid's series, was seriously disturbed. The first two MAYBE are totally kid friendly, but these films are getting more sick and twisted as they go on. I can't even imagine how the last ones are going to turn out.

You may not have been able to tell, but she was Ari in the 2001 version of Planet of the Apes. Hell, I didn't remember that until I checked her filmography. Now, I'm not about to justify this as a good film in any way, shape, or form, but I will give her credit for being in my opinion "the best acted" ape in the whole damn film. However, I hate the fact that this film was made so poorly, I'm sure everyone a part of it thinks the same way. I love me some Tim Burton, but to him and everyone who told him this was a good idea for a remake...Damn them, damn them all!

Oh Kenneth Branaugh, raping the classics for as long as I can remember. Not really, he does a pretty decent job, however his casting in Much Ado About Nothing blew really really really hard. Anyways, he gave her a role in Frankenstein and kept it pretty close to the novel. Which is always exciting. A lot of people don't like this film, but as an English nerd...I enjoy it. Mary Shelley's novel was never really brought to the screen. The concept of Frankenstein's monster was given to us obviously, but never the romantic side that made the novel so famous. Helena was a great Elizabeth, I liked it.

She also set the bar for Hot Topic shoppers and Halloween costumes pretty high with her voice given as Tim Burton's Corpse Bride. The very close relative of Nightmare Before Christmas, Helana was the voice of the title role. She played an almost Urban Legend character of a Bride that was left waiting, and waiting, and waiting. The charcter she played is forever going to be a Halloween icon for little kids, and the film is pretty damn good. Not to mention, voice overs are a million times harder than acting, because you don't have body language to help you along. Helena does it with ease.

Finally, her most recent stint in the horror genre. Mrs. Lovett. She may not make very good pies, but she sure can sing. She blew me away in the film adaptation of one of my FAVORITE musicals. She was creepy, scary, strange, and yet...I loved her.


Here is someone who should be recognized as one of the great horror actresses of our generation, but isn't because she's stuck mainly to mainstream dramas. In my opinion, she is the Queen of Family Friendly Horror Flicks.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

TERRIBLE POSTER TUESDAY!!

Happy Tuesday! I know I'm a horrible blogger and totally procrastinated and didn't do this yet. Feel free to badger me and throw stones. However, get excited because myself and a handful of other beauty queens are seeing the premiere of Drag Me To Hell this weekend and I promise, that will be an adventure to talk about.

So this is a poster I've been saving away for a rainy day...and it's pouring. Diane Lane is one of my favorite actresses, and I love seeing her in anything, on anything, and having anything in her. However I do not, I repeat, DO NOT like her on this poster.

First, that text is minuscule. If they intended anyone to read that text, they failed. Not only is it itty-bitty, but they chose a "thin" font. Thin fonts are hard to read already because all of the letters look the same.

I HATE how they put Diane Lane's name in 1) Red font which is so harsh on the eyes where her neck is, 2) Put spaces in between every letter like its T H E D A R K K N I G H T, 3) How her name is so tiny.

Also, why is the poster out of focus? I feel like I need to be hitting my monitor to get it in focus. It's that or she's in front of a half closed blinded window. Both of which are really craptacular things. Her face in this poster also looks like the tilted head dog face, but only in the eyes. It's not a very attractive picture. Plus, without that cursor over her mouth, look at her expression...it's almost a good thing that annoying hand is there.

Lastly. WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH THAT DAMN CURSOR. Get it off, get it off, get it off!
It's like when a bug is on your windshield but its on the OUTSIDE of your windshield. What's making me so frustrated is that this image has NOTHING to do with the film. She's trying to catch an internet killer and it makes it look as though the internet is like Big Brother or something. The GOVERNMENT won't let her use the super computer, not the killer, so.....lame. Going along with the image being blurry, why is the image blurry and the hand completely fine? That doesn't happen. It's impossible. It's also VERY hard on the eyes because you're drawn to the image of the hand and it hurts to see something so clear surrounded by something so jittery. This isn't Silence of the Lambs, you have not earned the right to draw us to the mouth by putting a clear object on a blurry one.

WOAH. BRAINWAVE: It looks like they're almost trying to imitate the Silence of the Lambs poster. I'm probably wrong, but if I'm not...FAIL. I mean the film is supposed to show how far humanity has slipped and how we're such horrible people, I don't know. A modern twist to that poster could be the intent. Well, intentions are great-but this doens't follow through.

Monday, May 25, 2009

the somewhat long awaited...MOVIE RECOMMENDATIONS FROM DAY OF THE WOMAN! pt. 5


This will contain some classics, some cliches, some slashers, some thrillers, some that make you feel like you need drugs, some that make you feel like you're on drugs, and some that you just may not have ever seen before. It's also going to be a continuing page. I'll probably post one every Monday for a good while until I reach like...250 films or something. So make sure you come back soon :)

SO I BRING TO YOU... THE MOVIES BJ-C WILL TIE YOU TO A CHAIR AND MAKE YOU WATCH IF YOU COME TO VISIT HER... results may vary.

Part 1-(1-25)| Part 2-(26-50) | Part 3-(51-75) | Part 4-(76-100)

101) The Fly:
Before we were graced with Cronenberg's masterpiece, we were brought this fabulous film. Making the super cool transporting devices of the space age into something completely horrific, we see what happens if just the smallest thing goes wrong with genetic transfers. However, we should be lucky he was just a fly-man. BUT, what if he became...BATMAN. *starts writing play*

102) 13 Ghosts:
In case you were wondering, William Castle is a frickin genius. Before the dude from Monk and Matthew Lillard made a jab at the horror genre, we had this original work of masterpiece. Even cooler is that the film had special glasses to see in the theatres so you could see the ghosts. Awesome. SOOO awesome. I personally love the headless one the best.

103) Salem's Lot:
Stephen King sure knows exactly how to freak us out. He's not just the King of horror literature, he's also the king of the mini-series. While many people disregard mini-series based off of other things, Stephen King has made a living off of it. Two of his biggest sellers were mini-series. IT and well...this one. The story is of vampires and it really freaks me out. I think its that damn kid in the window. I'd prefer a peeping tom than this little punk.


104) Peeping Tom:
Speaking of peeping toms, that is ALSO a damn good film. More psychological than anything it showed us a twisted world of voyerism, and just weird junk. The guy is a serial murderer who uses his handy dandy cam to capture every bit of expression before someone dies. That shit is weird. What's even sicker is that there are people who have actually done this, which is so twisted on so many levels. Hey, I guess that's what the difference between horror and psychological thrillers is....

105) Saw:
Yes, hate on me all you'd like, but love it or hate it...this series is going to be my generation's horror accomplishment. The later films aren't as good in my opinion, but then again...we keep shelling out the dough to see the twisted ways Jigsaw rips these people to shreds. You must remember though, the first film of the series was so unlike anything the horror genre was putting out there, not to mention has an AWESOME ending. That is all.

106) The Wicker Man:
If you're looking for the Nicholas Cage version, I highly suggest you get yourself medicated heavily and call your recent partners and tell them they may need to be checked out. This film has Pagan cults, some public bonking, Britt Eklunds ass for a good amount of time, and oh yeah that creepy gravedigger guy. This film is amazing and I will say I have to thank the shit-tacular Nicholas Cage film because without it, I never would have tracked down the original. Thank Moses I did.

107) The Happening:
YES, YOU READ CORRECTLY, I AM RECOMMENDING YOU TO SEE THIS FILM. I personally love all of M. Night's films (except Lady in the Water). I really do. I love his cheesy twists, I love everything about his work. People gave this film so much shit because "it could have been better" but hey, he gave a really original idea. Screw the acting, screw the text, screw Zooey Deschansel, I LIKE this film, and I think everyone should watch it at least once.

108) Basket Case:
I Love Monsters. I love them, I love them, I love them. I love big ones, small ones, some as big as your head, all of them. Especially ones that hide out in pik-a-nick baskets, Ay Boo Boo? I also love films that have budgets that wouldn't be able to afford a VS bra for my birthday. This film is RIGHT up my alley. It's got over the top gore, lack of funds, and a weird evil twin sort of thing being carried around and killing people. The acting is awful, the FX are bootleg, buuuuut, It's awesome, I love it, go watch.

109) Frankenstein: Frankie is my favorite of the monsters. I don't know why. When he wasn't out destroying stuff, he had such a little charm to him. I always found him to be the most endearing and even as a little monster myself, I used to do the 'frankenstein' walk around my house. Maybe its the feminine side of me, but I think Frankenstein is adorable. Plus, Karloff is GENIUS in the original. It's possibly the greatest mime performance ever.



110) Child's Play:
I hate Chucky. There, I said it. It's not that I hate the films, I just hate the damn doll. Not the possessed one, just the Good Guy doll. I had such nightmares from that fucking doll. I hate big eyes, I hate gingers, and I hate dolls that talk. Whoever was like "hey, lets make him a ginger doll" I hate you. At the same time though, I have to love you...because I don't think Chucky would have been nearly as terrifying.


111) The Hills Have Eyes:
So I'm on this "recommend the original and not the remake" kick ever since I did The Vault of Horror's round table, and I'm shocked i didn't mention this one. No one can touch Michael Berryman, no one. I don't care if you were born with 26 birth defects, you are the most badass horror movie actor. Talk about taking lemons and making lemonade. This guy took lemons, and made BANK and made himself an icon. It'd be one thing if he couldn't act, but...HE CAN! I love him. And his portrayal of Pluto is him at his finest.

112) Threads:
Say it with me: NU-CLE-ER. This film is absolutely insane.
The film is so believable in its documentary style depiction that one can get sucked in and truly believe what is happening. No other movie shows how god damn terrifying nuclear war really is. I believe it is a good deterrent as to why such weapons should never be used again. Movies normally can't ever change my political standpoint, but this one does a damn good job. Eat your heart out Michael Moore.

113) Faust:
Oh you think you're a horror expert cause you've seen Nosferatu? Well, if you really wanna prove yourself, here's another Murnau movie...According to my mentor B-Sol, my having seen this film earned me my "street cred" as far as the horror community is concerned. This film, is a cinematic masterpiece. For it being only the 1920's the special FX are pretty out of this world. That image of the gigantic demon towering over the city is unbelievable. It's breathtaking actually.

114) The Haunting of Emily Rose:
As much as I love The Exorcist and how it did scare the hell out of me, I really enjoyed the realism in this flick. I think I was actually creeped out more by this one because it looked so damn real. I've watched enough exorcisms on the Discovery Channel to know what they look like, and this one did a damn good job. Wish the courtroom scenes weren't so prominent, but I get what they were going for. She also plays my favorite classical piano piece while she's possessed. Always a good thing. Always.

115) Red Eye:
I think I like this film for the sheer fact that Cillian Murphy is in this, and I find him to be quite smexy. I also find him to be a phenomenal actor. He's good at being chased by zombies, and he's damn good at being a quiet hostager. Err...one who takes someone hostage....whatever. The film has its down moments, but it's damn well entertaining and has a really nice amount of suspense running through it.

116) Suspiria:
How the HELL didn't I mention this yet? Oh well. I will firmly say that this film has the SICKEST kill in the history of awesome killing. I don't care what film you bring to me, or what kill you think is better, this one is fucking MINDBLOWING. The film itself is one of the coolest art films I've ever seen, and the storyline is just awesome. I love it, its perfect :)

117) Single, White, Female:
HIGH
HEELED
FUCKING
SPIKED
SHOE.
If you didn't think it was possible for a woman to rape a man, watch this film.

118) American Psycho:
I could recommend this film on Christian Bale's deliciousness alone. (You don't even know the thoughts that run through my head when I see this side picture over to my right...) However, he did pull off a pretty outstanding horror flick and it has a female director. This film is amazing, start to finish. From amazing raincoat dances to Huey Lewis & The News or the whole dropping the chainsaw down the stairs onto someone gag, this film...rules.

119) The Howling:
Yay for more Werewolves!! I read the novel before I saw the film, but I'll tell you...both are pretty nice pieces of work. I must ask though, why would one have sex by a campfire? I mean, I can't imagine that being comfortable or fun. You'd get dirt and sand and shit in places they shouldn't be in. I don't get it. The concept of this film is really cool and puts it as one of my favorite monster flicks. I still don't understand campfire sex!!! But the whole shape shifting aspect is totally bad ass.

120) Rawhead Rex:
Clive Barker is so cool. This film is another reason that proves it. This little dandy was made before Pinhead and the gang showed up in our homes. It's a tale of a monstrous Pagan God's bloody rampage through the Irish countryside. Awesome right? Well, to me-yes. However Clive Barker was dissatisfied with this and this film is the reason he decided that he had to direct Hellraiser. A blessing for him really.

121) Fright Night:
We all know of the ten BILLION zombie comedies, but for once someone made a Vampire comedy (Bordello of Blood need not apply). Chris Sarandon is the coolest of the cool, even before becoming the speaking voice of Jack Skellington. Not to mention giving Susan her fame making last name. The vampires in this film have grins that would make the Joker proud and eyes straight out of a Raimi film. Stellar.
122) Black House:
I'm pretty sure that this is the first showing of Asian horror on this list. If it isn't, sue me. I don't look back every time because that would take much much too long. Whoever said the horror genre was dying, surely hasn't seen this film. Yi-Hwa is a cold blooded killer who maliciously whacks off her husbands (not the good way) in order to obtain their insurance money. It's like that film with Jennifer Love Hewitt and Ripley, but way scarier.

123) Attack of the Killer Tomatoes:
Does this really need an explination? A woman is found dead and covered in not blood...but tomato juice.
Honestly?
They're killer fucking veggie/fruits.
JUST WATCH IT.


124) My Name Is Bruce:
If you're a dedicated reader to my blog and are confused as to why I'm recommending this...You need to be shot in the face. It's Bruce Campbell, all day, every day. There is no need for a synopsis, or a spoiler, or some witty joke about the subject matter. It's Bruce Fucking Campbell. After you've seen this amazingness once, I find the second time to be much more appealing....with the sound off...and the lights off....and the..cloth...*drools*

125) Bad Taste:
As much as my heart fills with glee knowing next semester I'm taking a class devoted entirely to J.R.R. Tolkien and Peter Jackson's adaptations of the novels...I can't help but wish we were studying his splatter flicks. Anyone who says you can't make a highly entertaining, and gruesome flick on a budget; is an idiot. Peter Jackson does it FABULOUSly. It's his first film, and you'd think he'd been doing this stuff for years. Plus, he's in it! Who doesn't want to be saved by AIDS?

Oh Happy Day!



Not only should we salute our Veterans, take a moment of silence for those we have lost, and sport the red, white, and blue...you should also tell others "May the Force Be With You"

Happy Memorial-Star Wars Anniversary Day!!!

PS; EXPECT MY MOVIE RECOMMENDATIONS LATER ;)

Sunday, May 24, 2009

BITCH OF THE MONTH: Chris Hargensen


Post #2!!! Technically 2 & a half because sometime tonight, I'll have a guest post on The Vault of Horror...So since you people had to TIE for my features poll, I'm happy to announce that at the end of each month I will be bringing you the top BITCH. There's plenty of asshole men in cinema, but we women do it best. We're catty, ruthless, and down right cruel. So to start things off, I included one of the absolute Queen Bitches: Christine (Chris) Hargensen of Carrie.


Chris is that perfectly pretty, perfectly blonde, and perfectly bitchy high school girl we all know and love. Using sex as a weapon and her complete disrespect for authority-she ruled the school. She initiated the torturing of Carrie White in the shower by throwing tampons and pads while uttering the famous PLUG IT UP lines. I wish that the film was as vulgar as the novel. Cause she used my favorite insult alot "Cock Sucker" :) After Ms. Collins ordered all the girls to participate in her own personal detention, Chris rebelled the only way she knew how...by bitching. She refused to do the exercises, complained the entire time, and mouthed off to the point where she got pimp-smacked by the gym teacher. Holla for the 70's where that's totally legal.

Chris convinces her boyfriend Billy Nolan (by means of road head) to help her destroy Carrie White's life at prom. He kills the pig, buckets the blood, and rigs up the bucket above the prom. She's even the little twat mongrel who pulls the rope when Carrie is crowned Queen. Such a BS move, but you gotta admit, that idea was golden. I mean who thinks of dumping blood on someone that they once told to "Plug it up". Carrie gets her revenge though, Chris and Billy may have escaped the prom, but Carrie flips and blows up their car. Serves em right!

So There you have it. The Queen of the Bitches. The Bitchiest of the Bitches. This whole film was full of asshole girls, but Chris is a master of destroying high school girls. We Love to hate her, and love to watch her burn, but without her...We wouldn't have Carrie. Without her pulling that rope, Carrie never would have snapped, and the film would have been nothing more than a crazy religious mother and a kid getting knocked off a bike. So thank-you Nancy Allen for being a super skank and a total bitch :)

WOAH THAT'S HEAVY: Killing Children in Horror Films.

After every recommendation email basically mentioned this, I had to make this the first topic. It was also my idea in case I got some craptacular recommendations, but I didn't! You guys were awesome! One of the biggest taboo's in horror films is to kill children.

Children are the epitome of hope. They're still growing, still learning, and still have a ton of life left in them. There's a reason that child murderers and child rapists get the shit kicked out of them in prison. It's because children are defenseless compared to a fully grown adult. Now, like I've mentioned before, my mother has been running a home daycare out of our home for as long as I can remember. I've been playing Mommy since I was 12 years old. I've had children come and go, grow out of the system, and just plain "not need a babysitter" anymore. I get Pet Semetary visuals when I see them close to the road...AND THEY'RE NOT EVEN MY CHILDREN! So I get the same effect when I watch horror films and they axe of children. There's a couple different categories and exceptions that I've found when watching these films.

Split Second Sights of Dead Children are A.O.K:
Did it disturb you in Sleepaway Camp to see the 4 second blip of chopped up sleeping bags? Did you recall that she killed off basically a troupe of Boy Scouts? No. You were more disturbed by the slow painful curling iron in the vag, the drowing under the boat, and the bees on the face. All of those deaths were children. Ages between 6-14. CHILDREN. Kids that aren't even in high school. And yet when Angela Baker kills off a fistfull of 8 year olds, we don't even budge. This scene happened so quickly, that I couldn't find an image of it on the internet! The same thing could be said for The Shining. (except I know I can find that image) Yes, it is VERY disturbing when you see the Grady Twins, it's even more disturbing to see them chopped up and bloodied all over the walls. However, because it's so short-we're more disturbed by HOLY SHIT CHOPPED UP BODIES than we are with "holy shit....those are children". Both of these cases are absolutely horrendous to me. Whether a child is shown for a minute or the entire film, it's still awful to see.

Killer Kids Are Scary, but we still won't kill them:
Watching the scene from The Children where the mother refuses to kill the killer kids just because they're children is something that isn't new. For some reason, no matter how demented or evil these little buggers are...we're conflicted with whether or not to kill them. We can't get past the small little exterior. This is exactly why people didn't suspect Damien, and why the Village of the Damned fell to destruction so quickly. How else did those damn Corn Children take over the town so quickly? Why else would be the reason that young Michael Myers wasn't executed early on.

Teenagers Don't Count:
I personally don't understand why we are so disturbed by children dying, but not when teenagers die. It's a tragedy when a 17 year old Class President is killed by a stray bullet, but it's a HOLY SHIT DID YOU SEE THAT! When a teenager is smashed by a plate of glass in front of his mother. Whatever reason, teenagers are still CHILDREN. We still live with our parents, we can't drink, and we still (in some cases) have curfews. So why do we allow teenagers to be hacked to bits, but children can't be? It's a double standard. I get the whole "teenagers are stronger" thing, but a teenager is still going to have a tough time fighting off a demon or a slasher. It's just weird that we mourn the losses of teenagers in high school yearbooks, but we scream in excitement when horror films blow them to bits. We almost LIKE to see "idiotic teenagers" die. It's really sick when you really think about it.

Out of Sight, Out of Mind: Ever realize how when you watch the NOES films, you forget that Freddy is a child murder? It isn't until Freddy Vs. Jason when he's seen in a room with pictures of little girls all over his walls and he starts to lick one that you remember, oh yeah...he kills kids. Yeah, it's sort of crazy that he kills people in dreams, but he's a CHILD MURDERER. That's worse. Way worse.


Spreading the blood of the innocent:
Like I said before, children are innocent. When your little brother broke the vase and didn't get in trouble, it's always because "he doesn't know any better". Which is why it is so heartbreaking (although an accident) when Frankenstein drowns little Maria. It's so simple that a child looks past a monster and offers him to make floating boats out of daisies. This scene is the EPITOME of the death of an innocent child. She is playing a game, looking past the exterior that would make normal people run in fright, and she's being punished for it. Just like that annoying little boy in The Blob. Even though the kid was annoying, he didn't deserve to die by any means. And to watch the poor soul be smothered by that blob was really heartbreaking.

Babies are even worse:
Even more innocent than the young children, are babies. I was told to look up this scene by B-Sol of The Vault of Horror and I'll admit, I was so completely destroyed by it that I don't think I'll ever get the image out of my head. In Alien Vs. Predator: Requiem has more disturbing children scenes as well as BABY scenes than I've ever seen. A kid has to endure the horror of seeing an alien embryo burst out of his father's chest before it happens to him as well. A young seven year old girl (after seeing an Alien) sees her father get ripped to shreds in front of her by the Alien after she tried to convince him there was a monster outside. Pregnant women get assaulted by the Alien Queen by having baby aliens injected in them through the stomach and you see baby Aliens shoot through pregnant woman's stomach There's even a suggestion that the Queen wants to get in to the baby nursery and implant all the babies as well. WHAT THE FUCK. Why else is INSIDE so fucked up? uh duh. Babies. Same thing with Dawn of the Dead....Oy.

Sidenote: I don't know if you've noticed but you sort of have to EARN the right to kill off kids. Films with killer kids or children dying are often times from Great directors and great writers. so AVP:R does not fit the bill, and it was totally uncalled for.

But the worst, absolute WORST things about children killing in horror is...

Parents: watching parents kill off their own children is the most disturbing thing I could ever see. Baby Blues is by far the best(worst) example of this. Its a look into an extreme case of Postpartum depression in which the mother tries to kill her children. But it just freaks me out. I don't know, maybe its just me. But after I have my children, if I ever have thoughts of killing my children, I'll separate myself from them, just because I think you know, killing is wrong and stuff. I don't know. It's just really strange.

So why is it that we still watch these films? Anyone, anyone, Bueller, anyone?

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