Wednesday, April 29, 2009

WOMAN OF THE WEEK: Beverly Sutphin

Happy Humpday! Today we have a special treat for this week's Woman of the Week. We are having our first character as Woman of the Week! Normally, my WotW's have been actresses, but in honor of John Waters' birthday this week, I've decided to feature one of my favorite characters of his. Today we are showcasing Beverly Sutphin (Kathleen Turner), also known as Serial Mom.

On the surface, Beverly is the ideal mother. She recycles, birdwatches, and loves her family very much. She's always looking out for her children and is extremely protective of them. You could say she's a little...too protective.

Her son Chip (a long haired Matthew Lillard) has a huge obsession with horror films (sounds like a steallar guy =]). However his douchebag teacher insulted him for it and Momma had to take care of her boy. What other way than to run over that assclown teacher, back up, and do it again! How dare he insult horror movie lovers. If you ask me, he was asking for it.

Her darling daughter (a fabulously chubby Ricki Lake) was stood up by some Hunky McHunkerson dude and instead was spotted with some other bimbo. Instead of buying her daughter Ben & Jerry's like most parents, she went above and beyond! Beverly Sutphin impaled this jerkasaurus with a fire poker!!

When the happy family goes to church that Sunday, they are rudely followed by a slew of police cars! On the way there, the bastard news reporters on the car radio named Beverly as the suspect in two more murders! Betty and Ralph Sterner totally deserved it! Who in their right mind would call a woman in on a Saturday and eat birds that she so delicately watches?! When they arrive at church, the church's message board announces that the sermon is "Capital Punishment & You." During the sermon, the priest tries to justify the death penalty by claiming that Jesus Christ could have spoken out against capital punishment while he was being crucified. Disgusting. How awful?

Then there's this crazy old bag Mrs. Jensen who has some weird freak obsession with the musical Annie. That in itself is enough to get yourself bludgeoned over the head with a leg of lamb...which is exactly what happened. That bitch called Chip a son of a psycho when he charged her for not rewinding. Plus, anyone who listens to Annie for fun needs to be medicated.

Chips friend Scotty (that kid from Suzy Q) witnesses the act and for some reason runs to take refuge a an L7 show (beware flying tampons kids!). Momma Sutphin has to protect herself so she pulls a KISS move and sets him a flame by spitting aerosol and a lighter. Awesome

She is later set to court for all these murders. However one of her jurors (wearing white shoes after labor day mind you) and a few other reluctantly watch her defend herself. She some how manages to use her intelligence to warp the situation into making herself innocent. She even goes as far to spread her legs beneath a table in order to cause a witness into perjury. Guilty or not, that's a bold move to make.

She even manages a movie deal out of the whole situation! Suzanne Somers plans on starring as Beverly Sutphin in a movie adaptation of her crimes. How badass is that? However, that juror with the white shoes had it coming. Beverly attacks the woman and beats her over the head with a payphone reciever. However, still innocent of her crimes, she announced to her family that she's coming home and Suzanne Somers stares in terror.

Thankyou Beverly Sutphin for being the true definition of "Mommy Fearest". Wire hangers ain't got nothing on you :)

4 comment(s):

Anonymous said...

I think this movie is criminally underrated. The white after labor day scene was hilarious and absolutely maniacal.

Cortez the Killer

axl said...

I have no idea what's going on here, i just wanted to say hello.

Anonymous said...

I can't believe I forgot this film existed. Kathleen Turner was brilliant in this! I have to get my hands on the DVD!

Ms Harker

David Terelinck said...

Watched it again tonight - what a fabulous movie send-up - I love it!!

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