Tuesday, April 21, 2009


Happy Tuesday! As we all know, Tuesday is the worst day of the week, so to add to the terrible-ness, I feature one terrible movie poster a week on this day and write about it's shit-tacular-ness. :) This week's lucky contestant is the dark, DARK comedy/horror flick Teeth. I personally LOVE the film--and it isn't very often that such a great film has such a terrible poster.

Most people have seen the other Teeth poster, in which we see our leading lady in the bathtub with the red font and the roses, which is a GREAT poster. However, this little dandy was already on display first. How in the hell they managed to get a great poster when round 1 was this piece of deuce is completely mind boggling to me.

First, what font is that? I'm pretty sure the official name for that font is "suckass". It looks like the font you put on an invitation to a 3rd grade birthday party. There's nothing scary about rounded letters...NOTHING. They resemble the puzzle letters you get when you do Hooked on Phonics. Today's program is brought to you by the letters T-E-E-T-H. Stupid... Just stupid.

Second, this looks like an ad for a new Judd Apatow film. If I saw this on a video case, I would assume it's a movie about Owen Wilson in drag. Blank background, naked chick making a dumbass face, a picture that doesn't match the title at all, and big rounded letters. Nothing about this poster makes me think its a horror film. Stupid, Stupid.

Thirdly, why the FUCK aren't you wearing pants? Okay, toothed vagina, I get it, but that's only because I've seen the movie! There is nothing on here that mentions anything about it being a toothed vagina. As far as I'm concerned, this is could be another Juno-type movie. As bad as it sounds, they did NOT make her look attractive in this picture. It makes her look very androgynous, and how do we know she's not sporting a penis under that gold star? Why would I assume vag-teeth and not penis? Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

Fourth, UGG BOOTS. When are Ugg boots ever acceptable? Maybe if you're 15 and at the mall, not in a horror film. Unless the film was in Antarctica, where it's too cold to care about looking appropriate. Plus, WHO WEARS UGG BOOTS AND NOT PANTS?! Are you streaking in the Alps? I highly doubt that. Wear some flats or heels or something, dear Lord. Stupid, Stupid, Stupid, mother pheasant-plucking stupid.

Fifth, that shirt. Going back to the possibility of a penis idea, the shirt says "Warning: Sex Changes Everything". How do I know this isn't some pun about a sex change and her having a penis? Plus, what a way to put a tagline! If you are Pam Anderson, Dolly Parton, or even myself for chrissake, it's acceptable to put a tagline on a T-shirt. However, this little lady, does NOT have the large area to advertise on! If you don't have boobs, people aren't going to look at your chest, so do NOT put a tagline across it. Her boyish frame keeps leading me to believe that she has a penis. That shirt is horrendous. If it was fitted and gave her some sort of a waistline, she wouldn't resemble a twelve year old boy, and I might actually find this picture to be quite cute. However, they put her in a boy's shirt and she looks like a tranny. Once again, stupiiiiiiiid.

Six, oh that gold star! Number 1, who the hell is Michelle Lick My Stein, and why should I care? You are not Judd Apatow, you are not Steven Speilberg, you are NOT Stanley Kubrick, you are not Sam Raimi, you are NOT Alfred Hitchcock...NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR NAME. So do not put it over a possibe penis. No one wants that. Plus, that gold star looks like something Walmart uses to protect the little Mormon eyes everywhere. And now that gold star has made me just take notice of this girl's hands. WHERE ARE THEY?! They're too low and too centered to be on her hips. So either she's got them in her vag, or she's holding up that possible penis of hers. It's so god, damn, stupid.

So yes, as you can tell, this poster sucks...and is stupid. Thank GOD they made the one in the bathtub.

6 comment(s):

B-Sol said...

The 20-Year Old Vagina?

Cocked Up?


Talladega Bites?

BJ-C said...

Oh God B,
You're killing me smalls....

gord said...

It looks like she's pulling the shirt down over her hips/crotch. So perhaps the sticker/star was added in later to 'avoid offending sensitive types' as it seems kind of redundant to cover something that's already being covered up.

Elwood Jones said...

I can't belive that they came up with this poster. It makes me wonder if this was a poster they used on the independant circuit, especially seeing how festivals like "Raindance" are notorious for shitty posters like this.
Personally my favourite poster for "Teeth" is still the Region 2 cover with the X Ray of that perticular region. I was really suprised that the region 1 release did go with this cover aswell, as the bathtub cover just seems kinda less effective.

Anonymous said...

Wow, it's been so long since I got to read the blogs that it was nice to get back here and see this awesome piece of writing. HAHA!
I gotta agree with ya here. If I saw this in the video store I would automatically assume it was some bad teen comedy and not the fun horror that it was.

Alana said...

BJ-C. Agreed. Good movie, bad movie poster.


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