Tuesday, April 7, 2009


What is it about video games turn horror films that almost guarantee a disaster of some form? If the movie is decent the poster sucks(Silent Hill), and if the poster rocks, then the movie probably sucks(Resident Evil 2&3). Sometimes however, we get a whole ten tons of craptacular cinema all in one. Witness the total flop...BloodRayne.

Now, I'll warn you ahead of time that this is going to be more of a rant than anything, not like anyone ever complained of my rantings before =]

First off, I'm what you would call...well-endowed, and I would NEVER have blades that sharp, that close to my chest. You can't control those suckers, you turn left and you could be out of a nip, which would really exacerbate things.

Secondly, Michelle Rodriguez is a gaping black hole. Meaning, any attraction you THINK you have for her, is instantly sucked in by the bags under her eyes and her constant "I look at you with my eyebrows tilted so you think I'm a badass" I'm sorry, once you've been in a movie about female surfers, you lose any badass girl street cred you managed to weasel your way into.

Thirdly, look at "I stole the Wig from Alias" chick in the front...what the FUCK is wrong with her facial expression? There is nothing less attractive than the one facial expression she insists on perpetually maintaining, looking as if she just smelled dogshit, or maybe its the look of the befuddled expression of someone who is wondering why starring in Terminator 3 didnt lead to better things......Not to mention, what is up with the There's Something About Mary hair flip she's got going on there...THIS ISN'T FEAST, THERE IS NO NEED FOR UNNECESSARY JIZZ IN OR AROUND THE FACIAL REGION.

Fourth, please check chester chester child molester behind her. i'm pretty sure he has a white van parked out back with CANDY written on the side....Braveheart called, he wants his look back.

Lastly, what the hell is that tag-line all about? It seems like they bought a copy of "The Collaborative Efforts of The Hell's Angels and YODA Present: A Book of Inspiration" Honestly, it sounds like something you'd see on a sign up sheet for some 14 year old Gang from the Bronx.

Phew, *wipes sweat* Congratulations BloodRayne, you and your photoshop efforts earned you a spot on this weeks TERRIBLE POSTER TUESDAY!!!

3 comment(s):

sexy said...






Anonymous said...

That poster is rank, it looks like someone has inserted their finger in her anus! The dude on the right is enjoying the view... I call balls on this poster too!

Ms Harker

Alana Noel Voth said...


Nice. I hate this poster too. But I hated the movie more.

Who convinced Ben Kingsley to do that?

I loved the game though, that and Clocktower 3, my two fav-fav favorites.


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