I'm probably the best person to ever watch movies with *brushes shoulders* I'll make you popcorn and snacks, and write about our adventure on DotW! However...I have one condition. YOU HAVE TO ACTUALLY WATCH THE FILM. I cannot tell you how infuriating it is to be watching a movie and someone tries to have a completely irrelevant conversation with me, or is texting, or has to get up and use the bathroom and wants me to pause the film. You wouldn't get up in a theater, so don't get up now...
So, a while back I asked for some rainy day topic suggestions from you lovely DotW readers. Well, there's a 90% chance of rain in Macomb, and I am giving you my all-time horror movie recommendation list. Granted, I'll probably forget something I absolutely love, but hey, no snot out of my nose.
This will contain some classics, some cliches, some slashers, some thrillers, some that make you feel like you need drugs, some that make you feel like you're on drugs, and some that you just may not have ever seen before. It's also going to be a continuing page. I'll probably post one every Monday for a good while until I reach like...250 films or something. So make sure you come back soon :)
SO I BRING TO YOU... THE MOVIES BJ-C WILL TIE YOU TO A CHAIR AND MAKE YOU WATCH IF YOU COME TO VISIT HER... results may vary.
1) Carrie: I'm absolutely obsessed with Stephen King novels (his film adaptations will appear on here more than once, I guarantee it). Carrie was the one that started me off in my love affair with all things King. Afterward, you'll hear my uncanny impersonation of "They're all going to laugh at you!"
2) Zombi 2: So, it's spaghetti horror (VIVA ITALIA!), has Conquistador, throat ripping/eating, Tisa Farrow, underwater zombies, a zombie vs. shark fight, and who could forget the bitch who gets the wood splinter to the eye? Afterward, I will chase you around the house with a wooden splinter to see if the eyelashes really bend inverted like that. Can't say I didn't warn you.
3) Dead Alive: The only awesome thing Peter Jackson ever did that didn't include homo-eroticism, or hobbits, or both. There's plenty of red dyed corn syrup blood and latex limbs, not to mention a priest who KICKS ASS FOR THE LORD! Afterward, we will discuss whether or not this film would have won an Oscar had it been given a bigger budget.
4) The Evil Dead Series/Army of Darkness: I will warn you, if you ask me to put in one of Bruce Campbell's films, I will make you watch them all with me. There's raping trees, self amputation, and Bruce -Itouchmyselfatnighttoyou- Campbell in them. Afterward, you will leave... I may have a date with Bruce... alone.
5) Slash: He's got a face like leather, an instrument like the Grim Reaper, and tortures kids in barns. This film is one of those "so awful it's good" movies. To be honest, I've seen scarier episodes of Yo! Gabba Gabba. However, you can't beat a film that ends with the band singing about their experiences, metal music style, with the word E-I-E-I-O in it. Afterward, we will attempt to Google image the movie poster without Guns & Roses popping up.
6) Magic: It's the film that made Anthony Hopkins scary to me even before he started eating people. Plus, it has ventriloquist dummies. There's something really terrifying about a doll that needs to have a hand up its ass to make words that scares the shit out of me. Afterward, we will discuss how Dead Silence sucks so badly in comparison.
7) Freaks: So before it became popular to exploit people with deformities on Discovery Channel, and little people got a hit series on TLC, we had this film. Asking us the question "who are the real freaks?" the film was a cult hit, and who can forget the ONE OF US jingle? Afterward, we'll discuss why Michelle Duggar should have been cast as "The Fruitful Uterus".
8) Day of the Woman: The very film for which this blog gets its name. There is nothing better than a good ol' rape & revenge tale, and this one takes the cake. Camille Keaton kicks major ass as Jenny, and has one of the best dick-chop scenes ever put in a film. Afterward, we will sit in a rocking chair while listening to classical music, and wait for the screams to stop.
9) Let The Right One In: So, this film has slowly but surely become one of my favorite films (of any genre) of all time. With an incredibly touching yet disturbing story, a wall-climbing vampire, and finally the secret to why vampires hang outside windows; this film is incredible. Afterward, we will lay on the floor with our eyes closed just listening to the stunning score for the film.
10) Freddy, Michael, Leatherface, and Jason Films: I already know people are going to hate me for lumping them all together, but face it...these films all kind of go hand in hand in hand in razor glove. It's almost impossible for me to watch one of them, without watching all of them. So we may have to have a slasher movie fest in order for this one to work. I mean hell, they all have about 85 sequels each. Afterward, we'll discuss what happens before the kids fall asleep, on Thursday the 12th, and on October 30th.
11) Shriek If You Know What I Did Last Friday The 13th: Before Anna Farris made the wisest career choice of her life, we had horror parodies that parodied ONLY horror. This one is by far my favorite. with the best character name EVER (Principal Interest or The Administrator-For merely-Known-As-Principal), and a kid who has a sign on his back that says "I Heart Stab Wounds". Afterward, we're going to find out what you REALLY did last Hanukkah.
12) Odishon: Yes, I know it's cliche to recommend this film. Yes, I did only watch it because Rob Zombie said it was the only film that scared him. Yes, the last 45 minutes did make me really really freaked out. Yes, I watched it with subtitles, not with dubs and it still terrified me. Afterward, we're going to lay in the street in bags, and sit up for no reason just to fuck with people.
13) Return of the Living Dead: Okay, so it's no Romero, but it's got Tarman, split dogs, and B-Sol of the Vault of Horror's walking wet dream, Trash. This movie is an absolute classic in every way, and introduces the first zombie to ever moan for "BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINS". Afterward, we will go to the cemetery and dance naked.
14) Nosferatu: Even without words, this film still gives me the heebie-jeebies. An absolute classic, it features the quintessential vampire tale and one of the most iconic characters of all time. There's something about a vampire with the face of Voldemort, whose fangs are his two front teeth, that just haunts me after all this time. Afterward, we will watch the episode of Spongebob Squarepants where Nosferatu is flipping light switches, and smiles :)
15) Bride of Frankenstein: Yes, back to back classics :). While it may be a bit barbaric knowing she was only there because "the monster demands a mate" the film is in my eyes, perfection. However, I feel for ol' Frankie because the Bride of Frankenstein is a bitch! She doesn't like him! How can you not like darling ol' flattop? Afterward, we will note the hair resemblance between the Bride and Magenta in the last scenes of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
16) The Shining: I promised more Stephen King, so I'm recommending the best. Stanley Kubrick may in fact be the best director to ever walk the planet, and he made the BEST film adaptation of any of Stephen King's novels-turned-films. Jack Nicholson is absolutely terrifying, and the sea of blood still makes me fear hotel hallways. Not to mention, those damn Grady twins randomly being slain in the hallway makes my heart beat faster for all the wrong reasons. Afterward, we'll ride tricycles down hotel hallways in hopes of finding some adventures.
17) Twitch of the Death Nerve: Another spaghetti horror (this time from Mario Bava) that you MUST see. Tons of murders, a really twisted story line, and an ending that will haunt you for a pretty good period of time. Theres a good combo of slasher, naked-ness, and zombie in this flick; but it's just... words cannot describe. This is a film most of my horror friends surprisingly haven't seen, so I don't want to give away too much. Afterward, we will listen to the score, and wonder why we can't have music like this anymore...
18) Romero's films: I've been trying to pinpoint a single "...of the Dead" film to recommend, but I can't. So you know what, I'll recommend them all. Every single one of his films has impacted the horror genre. He's given us absolutely fabulous characters, and zombie films that have evolved along with the times and still manage to creep us out. Another day that may have to be a movie marathon. Afterward, we're going to find Big Daddy, Bub, and Karen Cooper... and we're going to come for Barbara.
19) Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: One of the most underrated films, in my opinion. Out of all the different adaptations, its the best by far. It's pre-code, so it doesn't hold back like the Spencer Tracy version. Hyde is a blatantly violent, sexual beast and Jekyll is the perfect Bruce Banner archetype. Afterward, we're going to sip the special potion and see what our opposites look like.
20) Hard Rock Zombies: If any of you out there have read this, or even HEARD of this film before my site, please tell me ASAP. I saw this film as part of our "Worst Movie Ever Made" club. The inhabitants consist of mutant dwarfs, a snuff photographer in a leisure suit, and a werewolf grandma in a wheelchair. Plus Adolf Hitler disguised as Grandpa. Afterward, we'll be getting married in Vegas... because no one I know has seen this masterpiece.
21) Them!: Giant. Fucking. Ants. Do I really need to explain why we need to watch this? Afterward, we'll power wash the sidewalks and destroy all those pesky anthills in the cracks on the sidewalk.
22) [REC]: Good gracious. The film that is everything Blair Witch wished it could have been. We all fear the unknown, and especially fear things that "can really happen". Why else do we cheer when we see huge explosions in films but flip out in terror when we see them on MOST EXTREME HOME VIDEOS? This film truly does a number on you, exploiting your fears of the unknown and the unexplained. Afterward, we'll make our own home videos of ourselves being attacked.
23) The Serpent and the Rainbow: Real Zombies. I'm serious. Wes Craven shows us what it's REALLY like to be a supposed zombie. The real-life drugs that zombify the body, the horror behind the voodoo religion and the evil that lurks beneath it. Just what you need before bedtime. Afterward, we'll experiment with drugs and see which combo makes us zombies... SIKE.
24) Phantasm: It's like George A. Romero hit up the cast of Willow and gave them the mentality of Harley Quinn from The Batman comics... DO MY BIDDING! Afterward, we'll try to find a dwarf zombie in a Zombie Walk gallery.
25) The Stepford Wives: First, be aware that I am in no way referring to the 2004 remake with Nicole Kidman and the guy who was once Ferris Bueller and is now boning Sarah Jessica Parker... I'm talking about the creepy as hell 1972 version with Katharine Ross. It's the tale of having "perfection"--or having your husband turn you into a June Cleaver robot version of yourself. Afterward, we'll vacuum in pearls.