Friday, April 17, 2009

GIRL, I GOT CHO BACK!

So what do you do when you have absolutely nothing to write about because its 76 degrees, sunny, and a weekend on a college campus? You make a dream team of course! So The Vault of Horror's writer B-Sol made his Zombie-All-Star Team and it went over famously. I figured, why should he have all the fun? So a lot of people say that girls suck because we're malicious, backstabbing, evil creatures. I say, that's not true at all. Look at Sex & The City, those girls live the dream! So I've composed a list of girls I'd love to have around with me at all times. My "girls" if you will.

So I'm going to stay away from the obvious fact that Ellen Ripley from Alien is just a pure bonafide badass. She's everything that the Resident Evil Alice was trying to convey, but trade in the zombies for some sci-fi madness! So if I ever had some issues with some assholes, I know she can blow them away six ways to Sunday. Ass kicking ability aside, SHE'S FROM THE FUTURE! You know how Marty McFly went to the 50's and everyone was so perplexed, he brought Johnny B. Goode to the masses, and his mom had the hots for him? That's who Ellen Ripley would be! She's my version of Marty McFly...with guns...

So when she isn't covered in blood or smelling weird, Eli from Let The Right One In would be pretty damn awesome to hang around with. She can solve a rubix cube without even knowing what it is, she doesn't ever wear shoes, she has spider-man like qualities with that whole scaling buildings shit, she is the ultimate fear of cats too! I'm hella allergic to cats so that would be great for me, I'd save so much money on meds! She's also super defensive. If I take her as my friend, anyone who hurts me will have their heads dropped into swimming pools :). She'd also be a good influence as far as the nightlife. Dance all night, sleep all day. Not to mention, if she kills any of my enemies, no one will ever guess her! No one ever expects...the children...That's the life for me :)

Is it a horror film? Not exactly. I however am absolutely obsessed with Columbia from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Columbia would be such a great girl to have hanging around with. She has sassy fashion sense, awesome hair, a killer singing voice, and she can tap dance! Not to mention, Columbia is a very dedicated helper. If I ever needed to call someone at 4am to vent about something, she'd be on the other line rocking striped pajamas and Mickey Mouse ears. She's also a lover not a fighter. Everyone needs that girlfriend to sort of keep you grounded, and Columbia lost the love of her life. Granted she was over him pretty quickly, but hey, more room for an inspiration!

Just as the six seasons of Sex & The City have given me enough information about sex to make me a legit therapist, they've also helped me realize how important it is to have some sort of physical attraction going on in my life. So what better way to get some attraction than to hang out with Sil from Species? She can draw the men in, us girls can take advantage, and then she'll kill them off! It's perfect! No annoying phone calls, no cheesy dates, no worrying about having to call and let them know where you're going, no extra laundry to do, nothing! Just physical relationships with random men that are easily disposed of. *Sigh* If only....

Okay, I lied. When it comes to men, you do need more than sex. Which is why a wing-woman is in order. I would love to have no other than Rachel Carruthers from Halloween 4. Rachel is probably one of my favorites because she's so dedicated into helping those around her. Laurie was more "save me save me, I'm a Final Girl, I can't die!" Rachel was more concerned about her little Jamie than she was anyone. She would be a GREAT wing-woman. She'd help me get any guy I needed because she'd be more concerned about my well being than hers.

Well, you know the friend you learned all the good stuff from? The one you're mom never wanted you hanging out with? The one who had the mom who let her do whatever she wanted, and knew all the forbidden information from her older friends? Well, in honor of the importance the "bad friend" has in any good girl's life, Trash from Return of the Living Dead is afforded a special place in my roster of horror femininity.

Now, she may be an actual person, but she's in no way a stranger to those who love horror. I'm rounding up my All-Star women list with Stacie Ponder of Final Girl. Stacie would be that friend you have who has the perfect comedic timing and wit that makes even your grandfather chuckle. The one who makes awkward connections that always fit and makes your day brighter by just opening her mouth. She's also that friend who loves all the weird ass shit that you like. While you hide embarrassing movies you watch when you're home sick from school, she'll proudly gloat about owning them on special edition. Not to mention, she'll document your experiences on a blog for the world to read :)

9 comment(s):

B-Sol said...

Proof positive that there are strong female characters in the horror genre, if you look hard enough!

musingcontinuum said...

Nice list, I think Veronica from Heathers would be on my team the thinking girls, slightly sociopathic vixen. I would also add Audrey Horne from Twin Peaks, now there is a couple of wing-women to have on your side!
Ms Harker
www.musingcontinuum.wordpress.com

B-Movie Becky said...

Like the list. Never would have thought to put McFly and Ripley in the same sentence.

BJ-C said...

I've been on this Marty McFly kick ever since Paris Hilton went on some awards show or something and said her new expression was "that's heavy" clearly had to set that straight....


Yes Heathers! Such a great film. I have a t-shirt that says "I LOVE MY DEAD GAY SON" :D

Ryne said...

Very cool blog, the females of horror need a voice too!

Keep it up.

B-Sol said...

Winona in Heathers, yes! Not horror, but so fits the bill....

BJ-C said...

Lick it up Baby, Lick it up!

Stacie Ponder said...

This is so nice I can't even deal. I'm not worthy! :)

TRASH RULES!!

BJ-C said...

B'scuse me. So Worthy...speaking of Wayne's World...

go look at my sidebar.

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