Monday, March 23, 2009

NSFW: Don't Make Me Go All Lorena Bobbit On You!

So, as women we may not be as physically strong as our male counterparts, but we have one thing they do not have. The power to cause extreme pain with barely any force. While we cringe when people are kicked in the gonads so hard they no longer have any nads to go with...we for some reason keep giving women sharp objects in which to remove the manhood with. A man can survive without his manhood, or in some cases, sew it back on and do porn. In the horror world however, the penis loss is done mostly by women, which I think we should trademark ;) so, here are my absolute favorite "dick-losses".


So we start off with the film that this blog is named after Day of the Woman (I Spit On Your Grave). Camille Keaton must have used one hell of a knife, because Johnny didn't even realize he lost the damn thing until after she got out of the bathtub. The scene is great though, he doesn't even realize he's lost it until he sees the blood splurge up in the water. That's what you get for raping a girl for a good 1/8 of a film....Suck it Bitch!

So I mentioned this one a few days ago, and I'm normally not one to repeat things...but it's my blog I DO WHAT I WANT! So like I said before, I absolutely LOVE 2001 Maniacs directed by the fabulous Tim Sullivan. This movie is completely underrated and highly entertaining for a comedy horror. If you want some new "Freddy Kruger"-like one liners, check it out. Robert Englund is fabulous. So anyways, poor virgin sap of the group is the last of the college kids to get laid, boo-hoo. So town prostitute Miss Peaches offer her services. She gets maybe two or three bobs before she puts in her death grill and you get the hint that his lower region is in danger when he asks "Is that a retainer baby?" and her reply is "Something like that..." then WHAM! off with the head! [the lower head that is].

Vagina Dentata: latin for MY VAGINA WILL EAT YOU. No, it's actually for "toothed vagina" I really don't think I need to go into much detail into what this film is about. Needless to say, the body's natural chastity belt eats a total of 3 penises, two fingers, and even has the ability to spit out a Prince Albert piercing. Honestly, the film TEETH makes me more "feminist" every time I see it. Damn rapists, serves you right!

So if we're not chopping...we seem to be biting. Although the wonderful Mrs. Estelle Collingwood is an absolute CHAMP in Wes Craven's debut in the 1972 film The Last House On The Left. She didn't need a knife, or a death grill, or a penis eating vagina...SHE USED HER OWN TEETH! Now, I find it amazing to know that this was not only a stranger that she bit, but also one of the rapist/murderers of her daughter. Kudos, my mom has even said to me before, that she couldn't ever do that.

Before Ellen Page came into our lives as either Kitty Pryde in the X-Men films, and our sassy-mouthed pregnant teen in Juno, Ellen was 14 year old pedophile killer in Hard Candy. While she may not actually remove the penis, or the testicles for that matter. She drugs a guy, numbs his junk, and simulates a castration. The reason I'm putting this as my favorite, is because she's fucking 14 years old and convinces a dude she's just removed his balls. She even gets some fake ones that she covers in "blood" and puts them in a jar. Then to be thrown in the garbage disposal. The psychological aspect of the film is absolutely mind-blowing. This is one of my favorites and in my opinion Ellen Page's best work by far.

5 comment(s):

B-Sol said...

I'd like to point out once again for the record, last year's Tokyo Gore Police. Completely over-the-top oral dis-"member"-ment scene. Man, what is up with the Japanese?

hagiblog said...

We watched Hard Candy at my place with a large group of people. Needless to say the girls cheered and the guys cringed. A great film in my opinion.

Alana said...

BJ-C,

Hard Candy, excellent movie in which I began to feel morally conflicted, and unexpectedly so.

Teeth, I had great fun with that movie and wrote a post about the mythology behind "Vagina Dentata."

I own a copy I Spit on Your Grave (VHS) and am bummed shitless about the remake. :-(

Peace,
A

Erich Kuersten said...

I think you're way too kind to TEETH and HARD CANDY both "cop-out" films as far as castration. Why would Ellen Page go through so much trouble to "fake" a castration, other than to appease nervous censors/audience? It's like "oh no, actual castration, even for a rapist, is just too harsh" - gimme a break.

Ditto with the Christian-friendly TEETH, wherein dicks be sewed back on and so forth, what a gyp.

Anonymous said...

I also thought the End of Hostel 2 was a pretty good one. She even threw it to the dog!

Related Posts with Thumbnails