Sunday, March 29, 2009

ELI vs. EDWARD


So, I am an eighteen year old student at the beautiful Western Illinois University.  Everyday I encounter some of the brightest students with such promising futures...and some people that I seriously want to curb stomp.  We have students with political posters on their walls with absolutely NO knowledge as to why they are voting for who they're voting, and we have students who waste THOUSANDS of their parents money to just perform in nothing more than debauchery.  
 
Of course, we also have teenagers who think that their idea of a "perfect vampire romance" is with the God damn Twilight series.  I will be the first one to say that I absolutely HATE the Twilight series.  It is nothing more than another Nicholas Sparks novel with a few "vampires" in it. These girls absolutely obsess over it and even went as far to miss class the morning after the DVDs came out on sale.  ARE YOU SERIOUS!?  I'm sure I'm not the first one to write something similar, but I had to get this out!

Everyone claims to want a "love" like Bella and Edward, but I personally am disgusted with the idea of it.  Bella is a whiny brat who clings to an abusive boyfriend and doesn't have the common decency to at least call her parents by their first names. She isn't some "plain and troubled" girl like her character claims to be, because when she moves to the new town, SHE GETS 5 GUYS ON HER FIRST DAY THERE.  That shit doesn't happen in real life.  She's still sooo sad and misunderstood! Oh, I'm aorry that only 2 of our 5 guys were vampires...go check out Hot Topic, I'm pretty sure you'll find your soulmate there. Not to mention, I'm pretty sure relationships based on conversations that include nothing more than "are you a vampire?" and "aren't you so beautiful?", DON'T EXIST...except for maybe Paris Hilton and her stint with one of those Madden Twins. 

Plus, how in God's name is Edward even REMOTELY close to a legit Vampire? He's a vegetarian.  Cool, since when are Vampires vegetarians?! OOh, I VANT TO SUCK YOUR V8!!!  Oh wait, no, he drinks animal blood, because apparently it's too hard to drink human blood.  I'm pretty sure that isn't a noble act.  Brad Pitt already established that about 10 years ago dipwad. Not to mention, how the FUCK are they allowed in sunlight, always clean, not having any fangs, and no fear of crosses or anything....

SO THE POINT OF THIS RANT...


While the majority of the population is GaGa for Edward Cullen, they are completely missing out on probably the greatest vampire/mortal romance ever created.  I made the BF [pronounced like BIFF: like Back to the Future] watch Let The Right One In with me today, and this is a boy who isn't all that enthralled by horror flicks.  He LOVED it.  So this makes me wonder, why the FUCK are people so excited about a cliche and disgusting fake romance, when there's an absolutely OUTSTANDING relationship available to us?  Witness Eli & Oskar.  Let me just tell you, that the relationship between these two 12 year olds has more believe-ability than most marriages these days.  I mean, these two actually go the distance to maintain some form of a relationship.  Now before people start going "Oh, but they're only 12 years old!" Excuse me, but Romeo and Juliet were 12 and 15, so eat my box.

Plus, who would win in a fight, Eli or Edward?  I'm pretty sure that Eli's bug-eyed self would completely own him.  Edward would probably be too distracted by his own reflection and Eli would just own the shit out of him.  Oskar would also be a way better support system than Bella.  Bella would just whine and cry about how Edward might lose his gorgeous looks and Oskar would just shank someone with either that knife he's packing or a large orange rod.

Oskar and Eli learn Morse code to give themselves a means to communicate, I'm not sure that Edward knows how to read.  Eli is sensitive to light, lives solely off of human blood, and understands that it's a do or die world out there, and she's gotta look after herself.  She is a TRUE vampire, Edward is just a pretender.  How do we know he's even a real vampire? For all we know, he could just be some freak who likes to drink animal blood.  

Let The Right One In is absolutely stunning in every aspect.  The acting of these two children is better than the entire cast of Twilight and the story line completely kills anything Stephanie Meyer wishes she could come up with.  I blame Anne Rice and her injecting the idea of "vampire romance" into the minds of my generation.  

Is it possible to have a vampire flick without there having to be a "bordello of blood" or some sort of slinky costume, or some hot guy?  While I find Eli to be incredibly haunting in her appearance, the BF did not find her as attractive.  Since when to vampires have to be sexy? Who invented this whole concept of vampire fetish? Nosferatu was NOT a sexy man, and yet now, you can't make a vampire cool without giving him sparkling eyes and perfect teeth. 

Honestly, when one of the top FML's has to do with a girl leaving her boyfriend for her "Edward Cullen" you know that you've got something very very wrong on your hands.  



5 comment(s):

hagiblog said...

I have to say I'm a big fan of the Anne Rice vampire series. Don't hit me now! I'll never understand the rabid fascination with Twilight though. Now, LTROI should have a following like that. That was an impressive movie and one of the first vampire flicks I've found interesting in years.

BJ-C said...

Ha. I like Anne Rice as well, but I do blame her for changing all of "vampire" as we know it. It's the same reason that I love/hate Nirvana. I respect Nirvana for being pretty good music, but I hate Nirvana because they killed 80's hair metal... So Anne Rice is the "Nirvana" of Horror Lit? I don't know. That was a weird comparison.

B-Sol said...

I completely sympathize with the Rice/Nirvana analogy, but I think in both cases you can't balme the originators. Anne Rice revolutionized vampire literature, and most of her stuff is quite good. Not her fault that it inspired such tripe. Same with Nirvana. One of the greatest bands of all time, please let's not blame them for the Crash test Dummies and Creed. Thank you.
By the way, the relationship between Eli and Oskar has many other overtones to it the more times you watch the movie. Is it a happy ending or not? After repeated viewings, I say its a bit of a tragedy. Oskar is doomed to become Eli's next caretaker, just like the older man who was with her earlier in the film. That's probably how their relationship started, too...

BJ-C said...

Hey! I like the Crash Test Dummies! Anyone who can be famous with a song that doesn't even have a title is good in my book!

I'm going to write a more "in depth" synopsis of their relationship. Then again, some of the greatest relationships are tragedies. Maybe Eli should just bite Oskar and they can be vampires together and live together in immortality. I have noticed the overtones, but I didn't want to go in depth with it for this article, because then it would totally take away from my point :)

musingcontinuum said...

I understand the Twilight angst... I have read them,they are definitely horror lite for good chaste kiddies, the movie was balls. Let The Right One In, was GOOD horror, haunting and evocative. The Anne Rice thing is a tricky one, as the mythology and characters had depth, but they did keep bonking each other. I also read them in my teens and may have a rose coloured view!! I also need to admit I don't mind a bit of raunch horror trash reading ie: Laurell K Hamilton ;)
Ms Harker
http://musingcontinuum.wordpress.com/

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