BJ-C'S FAVORITE FILMS THAT GIVE MEN THE HEEBIE JEEBIES

No matter how tall, how strong, how burly, how tough a man may look; there is always something that makes a man scream like a little girl to his mommy. Let's be honest, men just don't understand women. Somehow horror takes our worst fears and amplify them. Men have always feared women because they can't understand them. Athletes were told not to fraternize with women before matches because they would "take the edge off". Regardless of the feminist, sexist, whateverist nature of people today, this is an idea that has been spawned since the dawn of time. There's a reason women laugh at scenes of men getting their dick's chopped off and men start to sweat and tremble. They're scared of us! This is going to be the most stereotypical list ever put up on DotW, so ignore the PC obsessed nature of society and have some fun with it!

GINGER SNAPS

It's your lucky day. You come across these two smoking hot teenage girls absolutely ripe for the plundering. You lick your lips past your molestache to make your move. One of the girls bats her eyelashes, JACKPOT. Wait, what's that? Her sister is changing...what is that sound? What's going on with her teeth? HOLY SHIT, SHE'S A MAN EATING WEREWOLF!!! Screwed. Makes you think twice about crazy siblings of hot underage chicks doesn't it?CAT PEOPLE

Alright, try this one on for size. You meet a smokin' hot, totally legal, and exotic fashion designer. You fall in love, get married, and the prude won't sleep with you! So you do the only logical thing, you start dating and falling in love with your equally as sexy assistant. It's only right, but then you and your lover are cornered by a vengeful panther! It's not just any panther, IT'S YOUR PRUDE WIFE! I mean, she was being nice and protecting you because any form of sexual arousal turns her into a fatal feline, but shoot...she could have warned you!HARD CANDY

Okay, so the legal thing doesn't do it for you. You're hanging outline chatting with smokin' hot prepubescent babes all day when you come across this intellectual 14 year old who lives right in town. Of course, the sensible thing is to meet with her since Chris Hansen probably has the day off. You meet her and she invites herself back to your place. Clearly, she wants to give up her seventh grade goodies to you. Everything seems like fun and games until she ties you up, drugs you, and attempts to castrate your perverted ass! Jeeze, what are they teaching in girl scouts these days?DAY OF THE WOMAN/I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE

Living in a po-dunk, middle of nowhere town sucks no matter who you are. So imagine your delight when this foxy, intellectual, city girl stumbles into your neck of the woods. She doesn't seem like the type to hang out with you and your tumbling, tumbling dickweed friends...so you plot to rape her for about 26 minutes or so. It's really nothing big. However, you and your buds raped the wrong girl. So say goodbye to your mentally challenged buddy, your dick, and say hello to a boat blade...IN THE FACE!LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT

So the last one didn't work out all that well and this whole rejection thing REALLY isn't your style. So you see this teenage hottie that's totally asking for it, yet she's not all that into you. So, you use the same plan of action you did for the last girl. She doesn't come after you this time! Yet, you wind up at her parent's place and they totally make your life a living hell. Sucks to your assmar.TEETH

You've hit the motherload. She's 18, she's gorgeous, she's smart, and she's a virgin. Nothing in the world could be better than getting to tap this little number. Everything seems perfect until you stick it in and discover the truth. Vagina Dentata. Don't know what it means? Google it, and call a doctor.

THE TRANSIENT: THE REAL VAMPIRE ABRAHAM LINCOLN STORY.

The same guy who did Pride and Prejudice and Zombies has cranked out a new book, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. While most of the horror world is ecstatic by such a fabulous idea and cannot believe how brilliant the author is for thinking of this, I'm left completely unimpressed. This isn't to say I don't think the idea of Abraham Lincoln and vampires is bad, I've just seen it before. I'll most likely buy the book and place it along the likes of Seth Grahame-Smith's other masterpiece and my recently picked up copy of Sense & Sensibility & Sea Monsters, but I am not going to bow to him and act like he's just created the Holy Grail of all horror and history parodies. Yes, I have seen vampires and Abraham Lincoln in the same place before. No, I didn't see someone reading Twatlight outside the Lincoln museum. I'm being dead serious. Don't know what I'm talking about? Well, let me enlighten you.

Cradle of Love was secretly about this love affair. Abe is like what? 400?

The Transient is an 80's action movie about a homeless vigilante and his caseworker, Steve, as they try and stop Vampire Abraham Lincoln from sucking the blood of four score and seven virgins. Written and directed by Chris Lukeman, The Transient is an action/comedy/horror flick about a vampire honest Abe. In 25 minutes you're given Billy Idol, vampire Lincoln, a homeless hero, hilarious one-liners, and Timmy the Zombie. It's super low-budget, filmed in a college town, and obviously not without faults. However, it's very very original and a hell of a laugh. Some of the youtube commentators have gone on to say "best film I've seen on this site". If it's on youtube, you know it's the truth. If you have the 25 minutes, give it a watch, you'll AT LEAST be entertained. Michael Krebs is the absolutely flawless vampire Abe and he should be, he's a professional Abraham Lincoln performer. He's even the guy playing Lincoln in the promotional video for Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Talk about typecasting.

The 25-minute short film is available for FREE by clicking here.

Can't get enough Vampire Abe? Check out their site
http://www.killvampirelincoln.com/

TERRIBLE POSTER TUESDAY: Shutter

It was bad enough that the major promotional poster for this film included a blurry Thir13en Ghosts-esque face with inkblot eyes and a sad excuse for skeleton teeth, yet I recently stumbled upon something even worse than this massacre. The OTHER promotional photo for Shutter.

My first question, how much money did Polaroid pay to get this poster gig? I should rephrase that, how much money did Polaroid waste to get their name slapped on a poster for such a god awful film? Did they even watch the film before they attempted a bidding war with Kodak or Fujifilm to get this? My god, I didn't even know people used Polaroid cameras anymore other than hipster kids in Chicago who are rebelling against the technological advancements that weren't created by Mac. It's bad enough that films pretend that every cell phone known to man loses reception at the worst times possible, but to use such an old camera? Come on man. Get with the times.

The tagline is stupid and the font set up looks off center. I know it isn't, but it just doesn't look right. I seriously think I could have made this poster in Picnik. The stupid glare, the stupid text, the stupid text effects...come on dude. It's Photoshop 101.

I also want to point out how this poser is clearly insulting the intelligence of everyone looking at it. Thank you for the giant red circle around the ghost in the photo, the tagline right above it or the weird half invisible character in the frame didn't give it away enough for me. I'd like to thank you considering I don't have the common sense to look at a picture and see more than the title. I didn't know John Madden did movie posters, but after looking at this, I stand corrected. This poster makes me more angry than it does anything. Has society really sunken this low that "reading between the lines" is such a task that marketers have to point it out for us

CONTACT: A JEREMIAH KIPP FILM

With all this talk on DotW about indie filmmakers, I felt it would be only fair that I posted a review of an indie film. I was contacted by the filmmaker Jeremiah Kipp a month or so ago about reviewing his short film Contact. In all honesty, I've been massively swamped with bigger projects and personal issues, and this sort of slipped under my radar. When I first watched the film a few months ago, I'll be truthful...I really didn't like it. It was in black and white, there were naked people, drugs were involved, and there is almost no dialogue. If that doesn't sound like every parody of "I did some films in college once", then I don't know what is. So I sort of pushed it to the back burner.

It was only recently that the boyfriend and I re-visited this literal trip and actually gave it the time of day. Now, I made the boyfriend watch this with me because he is a filmmaker and I really wanted his input on such an artistic short. He and I actually collaborated on this review :) SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT!

Contact is filmed in an almost dream-like state. After purchasing drugs from a guy with the same hair as Johnny Depp in Crybaby, Koreen finds herself on one bad trip. Now, I've seen people freak out with invisible spiders crawling over them, but what happens on her trip is something Alice never could have dreamed of in wonderland. It has impeccable pacing, interesting angles, and the lack of dialogue set the viewer in a world as surreal as our players. As far as direction and cinematography are concerned, Sarah Jahier of Fatally-Yours said it best. "Kipp creates a claustrophobic, paranoid atmosphere of confusion and vulnerability." The film is meant to make the viewer feel uncomfortable and Kipp definitely achieves his mission. I felt bothered watching this poor girl fall apart and felt even worse for her family who find a way to make setting a table creepy.

One of the bigger problems I had with it was the beginning (now there isn't much I can say that won't spoil at least a little bit of it, so be warned). When choosing to begin a movie with the ending, there can be several reasons to do so. It could be to cause curiosity, or confusion. But when this film did it, I didn’t feel like it was justified. I was confused, yes. But once everything tied together my reaction was less “Oh, wow!” and more “Oh. Okay then”. It didn’t help enthrall me in the story anymore than it would have had they began it with the scene that follows after, and the plot point we come to realize was revealed with the scene could have been presented in a better way, which incidentally was already present in the short.

The acting, for the most part, was okay. With a mostly silent film like this, it relies a lot on reactions and I felt the cast did a fine job as far as that goes. My biggest grudge, however, comes from the drug freak-out scene. With a scene like that, Koreen should portray terror, confusion, and should be on edge and out of her mind. Instead it came off more like she was a child who was afraid of the dark. Which, truth be told, is an interesting choice. But for a story like this, I can’t quite say I would have made the same one. Because of this, the full effect that scene could have on a viewer is dulled.

All and all, this was a solid short. Billy and I made the criticisms we did because quite frankly, no one else has given it any negative feedback. The film is solid, but it isn't perfect; no film is perfect. I am excited to see what Jeremiah Kipp has up his sleeve for his later projects, and can't wait to see what he comes up with next.

HITLER IS PISSED AT REPO MEN

I don't know if anyone has been following the Repo Men vs. Repo! The Genetic Opera drama, but let's just say...they're totally ripping it off. Spooky Dan has been covering this whole thing and quite frankly, can do it much better than I can. What I CAN do, is post this video. Enjoy :)

BYRON REMPEL: HE'LL ZOMBIFY YOU

The image you see here is the site banner and logo for Tea Party of the Dead. What you may not know is how the heck this graphic was created. Byron Rempel is the AMAZING zombie artist who supplied me with this dandy graphic. Oh, you don't know him? WELL YOU SHOULD. Byron Rempel's zombie artwork is some of the coolest stuff I've ever seen and he's absolutely amazing to work with. His first site, The Daily Zombie, was a way for him to force himself to draw zombies every day to improve his skills. Nowadays the word "daily" is used a little more leniently, but nevertheless, he's still posting quality work. He also runs I Draw Zombies which is one of the coolest zombie sites on the net. Not only is it a place for him to showcase his work, but anyone (INCLUDING YOU!) can request zombifications for commission.

CHECK IT OUT!

GO SUPPORT HIM

"How to Win Friends and Influence People": The Indie Filmmaker Edition PART 2

I feel that I am a very blessed individual. Two things I love more than anything in the world are horror movies, and supporting local and independent artists. I am blessed because through this blog and Bloody-Disgusting.com, I can combine the two of them. Nothing gives me a greater feeling than supporting absolutely amazing and breathtaking films from independent film makers. The reaction I get out of that glistening review from an anticipating filmmaker makes the work I do for these sites feel worthwhile. Yet, not every film can be a good film. I want my readers to trust and respect me for standing up for what I believe in, even if I'm standing alone. There are films that I do not like, and I think keeping negative opinions to myself is betraying my readers. They deserve to know my opinions; both good and bad.

So say you make a film, you send it to a blogger or another film reviewer and you were absolutely wonderful. You didn't bully them, you were very respectful, and you let them do their thing. Unfortunately, they didn't particularly like what you were creating. Now what? Do you mope around? Do you cry? Do you bash the hell out of the reviewer and refuse to go back to their site? OF COURSE NOT! So here is a little guide to help you learn how to move on from the negative review.

PART 2: HOW TO DEAL WITH A BAD REVIEW
AND NEGATIVE CRITICISM

The first suggestion I have when dealing with a negative review is to not let it consume you. If every filmmaker broke down over a bad review of their film, no one would make movies anymore. Hell, The Godfather and Star Wars didn't get all great reviews. I'm very sympathetic because a film becomes sort of like your baby, and when someone talks crap about it...it feels like a personal attack. When people talk badly about DotW I get super defensive and a bit hurt too. What you need to realize is that criticism on your film isn't meant to be a personal attack, it's supposed to let you know what isn't working with the flick. I've seen plenty of filmmakers fall apart and sink into a grave depression when their film flops. The same way letting good reviews get to your head isn't a good thing, neither is letting the bad ones tear you down. It's also important to be able to distinguish between a negative review, and a jerk. There are bloggers who simply love to rip apart films and give absolutely nothing for you to work with. I'm sure you've seen them before. "This film is a giant circle jerk between the filmmaker and distributor..." "This film is trash..." "James Cameron's Avatar..." you know the drill. Now you can approach this sort of a review in one of two ways. The first way is to email the reviewer personally and ask (politely of course) for more constructive criticism. Chances are, the reviewer isn't that much of an asshole, it's just the persona created for their site. If you approach it professionally, you will most likely get some tips from the reviewer on things the film could improve on. The second option, is to completely ignore it. Sometimes, people ARE huge douchebags and want to just rip independent films a new one because that's how they roll. So, just let it go and wait patiently for a review you can actually work with.
The last bit of advice I can give, is to learn from it. When negative criticism is given, it is to help you for next time. Hopefully this isn't the last film you ever make and the negative feedback can be used to help your next film. So we didn't like your actors? Cast different ones. We didn't like your lighting? Try another one. We felt the pacing was off? Fix it. There are plenty of film makers who make a really crappy film and then progress to make a really amazing film. Practice makes perfect, film making included. :) The important thing is to actually listen to some of the criticism. Try to put pride aside and attempt to see if the reviewer actually has a point. Ya dig?

Thank-you for tuning into the second episode of "How to Win Friends and Influence People": The Indie Filmmaker Edition. Come back soon enough for the rest of the guide and you'll be the best repped indie filmmaker in all the land!

"How to Win Friends and Influence People": The Indie Filmmaker Edition PART 1

I'm a firm believer that creativity and passion far surpasses any budget when it comes to quality film making. Some of my favorite films are low-budget, indie, or even unheard of. I'm a massive supporter of independent film making and I honestly think it takes more creativity and talent to create a film on a budget vs. a film with a bottomless bank account. This has lead me to be a critic that refuses no film brought to my attention. If a film is sent to me, I will watch it and review it. It may not be in an immediate time frame, but it WILL happen. Recent events have made me question my philosophy and I am left to wonder if I should change my opinion. My mother always told me "if you can't change your situation, change your attitude," and that's exactly what I'm going to do. Rather than take a path of refusing to review films without a distributor here on DotW, I'm going to write a little guide for independent filmmakers.

PART 1: HOW TO DEAL WITH BLOGGERS
For hypothetical purposes, let's say you make a horror film. You send said horror film to a horror blogger you or a friend knows personally or follows on twitter. You get lucky, the blogger absolutely loves your film and posts a gleaming review of your film on their page. What happens now? Honestly, your film could explode. Bloggers are friends with other bloggers, and we're really a weird cult-like family. If one of us becomes really obsessed with a film, chances are there will be others who will want their itch of curiosity scratched.

Bloggers are fragile too! We must be Italian...
That being said, it is absolutely vital to treat us with care. We are human, just like you. We have lives, we have work, we have schedules, and we have 100 filmmakers just like you that want us to watch their films too. If we e-mail you telling you we have gotten your film and that we will be responding, we mean it. Sending 18 emails (I'm not exaggerating, this has happened) is completely unnecessary. In all honesty, I don't think we'd be able to give an honest review because we'd already be so annoyed at you. Harassing a blogger is a big no-no. In the simplest terms, don't bite the hand that feeds. You could have the best film in the world, but if you piss off the people with the power to spread the word of it, you've now got the best coaster in the world.Picking on us is about as cool as picking your nose and eating it.
Another thing, don't bully bloggers. There is a good chance that we will love your film, but there is also a good chance we could hate it. Sending your film to us runs the risk of a negative review. You need to make sure you can take the possibility of negative feedback and not take it out on the blogger. If they don't like your flick, they don't like your flick. Trying to rationalize every problem a blogger comes up with is not going to help your case. If you have to rationalize the problems with the film OUTSIDE of the film...how do you think it is going to read to an audience? Bloggers are not all knowing and do have personal biases, just like everyone else on the planet. Certainly, just try to not harass or try to influence the review one way or another. Don't ask to review the review before it gets posted and don't ask for the blogger's opinion before its posted. This might be friendly, but it be taken as pressure. We feel as if we no longer can give an honest opinion out of fear of being bullied. Think of it this way, you go from a filmmaker asking for an honest review of their film to your aunt asking how much you like her hand made giant bunny costume she made you for Christmas. Get it?Friendship means never having to feel uncomfortable shirtless!
Do however, establish a positive network between yourself and the blogger. Like I said earlier, we're a weird family. If you are in with one of us, you can be in with the rest of us. Creating a network with us can be one of the most beneficial things a filmmaker could do. The internet is slowly but surely taking over every single media outlet. Websites like Bloody-Disgusting, Aint It Cool News? or YouTube are proof that the internet is taking over. I stopped reading movie reviews from magazines or newspapers long before I started blogging, and I bet you could say the same. Bloggers are GOING to be the journalists of tomorrow as we do the same job they do, for free, today. It's sort of a win-win situation. We invest in you, you invest in us, and in the future everybody wins.

Thank-you for tuning into the first episode of "How to Win Friends and Influence People": The Indie Filmmaker Edition. Come back soon enough for the rest of the guide and you'll be the best repped indie filmmaker in all the land!

DotW SALUTES: AWKWARD SCREAMING IN HORROR FILMS

Last night, my boyfriend and his parents wanted to experience the cinematic disaster that is Twilight & New Moon. After being raped in the eyes by Stephanie Meyer's sparkly vampire wet dream review, we made our MST3K style commentary and tried to rationalize sitting through the complete insult to filmmakig. One of our biggest comments is Bella's uncontrollable screaming while she sleeps. If you haven't seen the film, just imagine the screaming that occurs during childbirth coming from Kristen Stewart's seizuring body in ugly pajamas. That's basically the best interpretation of her nightmares without the virgin stalker extrordinaire in her life. Or..just watch this film. Note: this screaming fit occurs about 100 times in the movie.


Which of course got me thinking...there is A LOT of unnecessary screaming and awkard phrases being screamed in horror films. From girls screaming at the top of their lungs for something that isn't all that horrifying, to girls that CAN'T scream without sounding like a moron, and people who yell the most random phrases throughout the movie and we instantly use it as our favorite quotes. So today, I salute you awkward screaming. Thankyou for bringing us joy.


THE WICKER MAN (remake)

I really don't know how it got burned...but thank you for screaming in my face.

TROLL 2

The best part is the random fly on your forehead.

THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT

Okay, so Heather screamed like a banshee for most of the film. I wanted to post the "you lost the map" scene but YouTube has had a stick up their ass lately about embedding, I can't show you that. I CAN show you her screaming like some exotic bird in the zoo at the end of the film however.

GHOULIES 2
This is why I check before I squat.

1408

Apparently...he was out.

THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS

Yes, this may in fact be one of the most quotable movie lines in history...but you can't help but laugh when he screams at her. It's freaking hysterical.

SAW VI

Maybe this makes me a sicko, it most likely does...but her scream just made me laugh. The stuff they scream makes it better. The arguments they make are just great.

YOU LOOK AT ME WHILE YOU'RE KILLING ME!

THE WICKER MAN (remake)

NOT THE BEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS

I know that there is a kajillion more but youtube HATES me. If you find more just send the link in the comments and I'll throw it on up!

WOMAN OF THE WEEK: Elisabeth Fies/ REVIEW OF THE COMMUNE

It has been a long while since I've done my Woman of the Week, and I felt that I have been given a prime opportunity to bring it back. When I had first started doing my WotW's I had the intention to showcase women in horror that weren't just actresses. Well, I've completely failed in that aspect and I'm going to change that. Today I'm featuring a writer/producer/director who isn't just a woman, she's a brilliant mind who has created an absolutely amazing and horrific flick. This week's WotW is Elisabeth Fies, the director, producer, and writer of The Commune.

I first want to let you in on just how phenomenal her film is. The Commune tells a tale of a girl named Jenny who has spent her formative years with her single mom (played by Fies) while her tree-hugging, tofu eating, goddess praising, whacked out, mega hippie father lived and ran a commune. However due to legalities with a custody battle, Jenny must spend her summer and 16th birthday with her father and live amongst his crazy followers on the commune. So poor Jenny without luxuries like cable television, facebook, her puppy, fried food, and meat must learn to live amongst the creepy hippies. What starts off as just another typical, crappy summer for a teenager forced to stay somewhere they don't want, quickly turns into a Wicker Man-esque film and scenes that make me want to shower with Purel. I mean, who wouldn't want to if you looked out your window to find a masked man jerking off at you while you were fully clothed?

The film looks, feels, and probably tastes like a 70's flick but the attention to the smallest details are what really gives the film such a lasting impression. The score is impeccable, it's a very striking film with the use of color amongst the hippies, and the flashback scenes are quite scarring to those impressionable. They may have beat the "creepy dream" sequence to death, but as a whole, it was a minutiae issue. The film was cast fantastically and Chauntal Lewis is absolutely perfect as Jenny. She captured the innocence of a 16 year old, but still looked like every 16 year old girl today. IE: Over make-up'd, scantily clad, and completely looking much too old for any girl her age. David Lago *swoon* as Puck is just the right amount of bad boy and dream boat to make us instantly love him. The creepy hippies are, well, that. They're creepy as hell and I want them to all be committed or taken down by Elliot Stabler & Olivia Benson for being creeps. Jenny's mom (played by Fies) seems to be sort of the "more of a friend, less of a mom" character in the beginning but once you see the flick...the acting choices she made for the character are perfect for the role. All in all, I can't complain about any of the characters. That never happens for me, ever. I normally hate just about everyone, but I can't.

As a theatre student, it warms my little heart to notice subtle throwbacks. The fact Jenny's would-be love interest is named Puck and the film takes place in the summer soltice, made my little heart twitter with delight. Some people may complain about the pacing, but since it feels like a 70's film to me, I completely understand why it is the way it is. Most films with slow pacing are just droll until the final "HOLY CRAP" moment, this film is not the case. There are so many unsettling moments scattered throughout that the audience knows something extremely jacked up is bound to happen, the only question is when? The Commune has easily become one of my favorite indie films and I've proudly put my tye-dye peace signs (it came with the package from Elisabeth!) on my wall amongst my favorite movie memorabilia.
Kathryn Bigelow has just become the first female director to win the Oscar for Best Director or Best Picture (that hussy nabbed both!). Critics have been stating she only won because she is the proud owner of a vagina. I don't agree, I think that it is VERY possible that a woman can create a quality film. People like Elisabeth Fies are living proof that women can be more in the film industry than actresses and makeup artists. Fies is just bursting with talent from every angle, and if the big-wigs in the film industry had half a brain...they'd give her a big budget and the freedom to make a film with the same power as The Commune. Box office snob directors, eat your heart out.

TWATLIGT FANS GO INSANE OVER ECLIPSE...FML

..I'm talkin' bout my generation
Sorry Folks.

HEIDI MARTINUZZI: THE BLASPHEMOUS VAGINA OF THE HORROR BLOGSOSPHERE

A few days ago I was asked personally by both Heidi Martinuzzi of Pretty-Scary and Stacie Ponder of Final Girl to participate in the first edition of their radio show/podcast PMS bitch fest that they have so elegantly named The Scare-ening. While I had originally found myself extremely delighted to participate in what seemed to be a glorious event, I was horribly mistaken. Not only was Heidi extremely unprofessional and a complete tart throughout the entire hour, but she blatantly disrespected those in the horror blogosphere. Her mouth spewed out absolutely NOTHING but hateful bullshit regarding African Americans and Vulva posessing Americans. I found myself absolutely disgusted, flabbergasted and insulted at her inquiries. She even had the audacity to compare her growing bang self to Portia de Rossi. Now, I've personally hung out with Ellen DeGeneres and went shopping for tennis shoes to go with suits and YOU MA'AM ARE NO PORTIA DE ROSSI.

I tried to let it go, I tried to respect her opinion, but then she spouted off the most blasphemous and disgusting statement ever to be uttered over the internet.
Heidi Martinuzzi, does NOT like Classic Horror Films. You heard it here first, one of the lead female crusaders in the horror genre does not like the films that are responsible for every shitty B-Movie she trotted her strumpet ass around nude in. WHO THE FRACK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! Classic horror films have created much more of a fanbase than your pathetic excuse for films. She thinks she's so fracking cool because she writes for Pretty-Scary and she does movies and she hangs out with famous people and she knows grammar and she knows everythiiiiiing. Heidi. You say tomato? I say JERK. YOU ARE ONE TOMATO THAT SHOULD BE SQUASHED INTO KETCHUP. ONLY SO I CAN EAT YOU WITH DINOSAUR CHICKEN NUGGETS.

bitch.

RIP COREY HAIM.

Corey Ian Haim
(December 23, 1971 - March 10, 2010)

Look at your reflection in the mirror. You're a creature of the night Michael, just like out of a comic book! You're a vampire Michael! My own brother, a goddamn, shit-sucking vampire. You wait 'till mom finds out, buddy! -The Lost Boys

VOTE FOR MR. HORROR BLOGOSPHERE! GIVE ME MY KING!

Mr. Horror Blogosphere Voting NOW Open!

As most of you cool kids know, I was elected the title of Ms. Horror Blogosphere 2009. Well, I need my king! Chuck Conry was nice enough to host the Mr. Horror Blogosphere competition for 2009 and he needs you to go over and vote! What we have here folks is 21 very talented male contributors to the online world of horror and they each deserve a follow by you if not your vote. I've already put in my vote for the man I want standing next to me before they drop the pig's blood, but now it's your turn!

Patrick Campbell - Stabbing Stabbing Stabbing
Brian Collins - Horror Movie A Day
Jeff Atencio - The Jaded Viewer
Zombie Hayes - Hayes Hudson House of Horror
Joe O'Connor - Midnight Time Warp
The Mike - From Midnight, With Love
Bryan Schuessler - Shuizmz
James Sugrue - Fear Of The Dark Online
William Malmborg - William Malmborg
Carl Manes - I Like Horror Movies
Uranium Willie - Uranium Café
Marc Patterson - Brutal As Hell
Reverend Phantom - Midnight Confessions
Dod March - WGON Helicopter
Rick Romanowski - The Paradise of Horror
John Cozzoli - Zombos' Closet of Horror
Mike Snoonian - All Things Horror
Matt Hersh - No Room In Hell
Steve - Horror Extreme
T.L. Bugg - The Lightningbugs Lair
Jayson Kennedy - Basement of Ghoulish Decadence

HORROR GIFTS FROM ETSY DESIGNERS

We interrupt today's scheduled TpT which will be shown at a later time in order to bring you this!

HORROR GIFTS FROM ETSY DESIGNERS!

As some of you know, I've recently become obsessed with offbeat weddings and it has brought me the wonderful world of Etsy. So every couple of weeks or so I'm going to showcase some awesome finds on Etsy so you can pick up for yourselves :)

Inspired by Resident Evil. Pendant measures 1 1/4" tall. 18" chain and gift box included.

http://www.etsy.com/shop/AestheticApocalypse

The Nosferatu, easily the scariest vampire out there, way scarier than Christopher Lee or Bela Legosi. Printed with water based ink for the soft feel. Printed on American Apparel 100% Sheer Jersey cotton scarf, combed for softness and comfort. Dimensions: 93" x 16" (236cm x 41cm)

http://www.etsy.com/shop/nwshirtsUhoh!! it's a scary Zombie on Antiqued Steel Buckle with black cotton belt. ok it isnt really that scary... My friends kept asking me for zombie themed items, so here it is for all you zombie loving people! The buckle is about 1.3" x 1.75" and the belt part is 44" inches of 1 1/4" wide heavy duty cotton webbing. Buckle is metal and uses the awesome clam style closure, this is different from my other belt buckles. The image is sealed under a gloss finish to protect it from any abuse and wear and tear. Plus, the belts are Vegan friendly! If you would like me to trim the length to your size just let me know, but it is really easy to do yourself and you will get a more custom fit(all you have to do is cut the belt and open the clip on the back of the buckle) I do my best to represent the items true color in the pictures, but due to differences in monitor calibrations the color may vary slightly, but i guarantee you will dig it!
http://www.etsy.com/shop/BareTree

This sale is for a custom etched Pint Glass with the Cthulhu LOGO. This beautiful glass would be a great gift for any collector or fan. All logos are etched into the glass and are dishwasher safe. Please note all glasses are made to order and require a lead-time of 5 to 10 business days before shipping.

http://www.etsy.com/shop/GoodGuyComicsFor horror movies fans!
Mostly inspired by the cult movie "Night of the Living Dead" and other public domain classics, this shade will give a little touch of horror to your room without scaring your guests too much!
All the pictures are different so if you're bored with one side you can just turn it a little and you have a brand new shade!

Height: 7,01" (18 cm)
Diameter: 7.01" (18 cm)

This shade has a slip-UNO fitter (sit on the socket and held in place by the bulb)
To give you an idea, since this system doesn't seem to be the most used in the US, it fits Ikea's Grundton, Hemma, Ekarp and Januari E12 table lamp bases.(I use the european E14 version of them and it works perfectly!)

- also available in pink and green in my shop -
http://www.etsy.com/shop/SpookyShades

Thank-you Twatlight for once again ruining everything.

I really didn't want to complain about this, I really didn't. I wanted to write an article about Kathryn Bigelow and how she curb stomped the hell out of her ex-husband's Pocahontas meets the Smurfs with pretty effects making husband at the Oscars. The woman made Near Dark for chrissake, John Hughes had one hell of a tribute, the Academy gave a mention to horror films, and I can't even concentrate on any of it because of freaking Twatlight!!! The more I recap everything that happened tonight during the ceremony, the more anger I'm fueled with about this God-damn franchise.

I understand that the Academy wants to appeal to the younger generations and such by bringing in the Twatlight kids and I fully support your idea to expand the audience...but why did you associate them with horror? Come on now. The genre that you overlook more than any other is the horror genre and how do you repay us? With a montage presented by two people that our genre hates more than anyone. Kristen Stewart has absolutely zero presence and looked as if she'd rather put mouthwash in her tear ducts than to be on that stage. The girl already publicly announces that she hates the spotlight because she doesn't know how to present herself. So you have her present something at the Oscars? Come on now.

The whole point of the horror montage wasn't to throw us a bone, it was to jerk off other esteemed actors. Let's face it, plenty of big-named actors and actresses got their start in horror films and the Academy was tired of hearing us bitch about being neglected. So, they decided to kill two birds with one stone. The films shown in the montage were the classics that everyone knows of, and films that have other Oscar winners and established actors in it. That's why Fulci films were not shown. I am more than thrilled that they showed a tribute to the genre I love so dearly. Yet, if the point of the montage was to talk about how so many actors got their start in horror...WHY DIDN'T THEY HAVE A PRESENTER WHO DID?! Johnny Depp? Kevin Bacon? Jack Nicholson? Hell, they showed George Clooney and Kathy Bates who were BOTH there...why couldn't you have asked them?! Let K-Stew and TayLaut present something else, NOT horror. Molly Ringwald and Ferris Bueller got to present the John Hughes tribute, shouldn't someone who had ANYTHING to do with horror get to present the horror montage? ELI ROTH WAS THERE FOR GOD'S SAKE.

So there you have it. Thanks for throwing us a bone Academy, but once again...you're out of your element.

BJ-C INTERVIEWS PARANORMAL AUTHOR MICHAEL KLEEN

There are things that go bump in the night, unseen whispers after dark, and an entire atmosphere that has inspired many movies we know and love. We've told ghost stories around campfires and sleepovers for generations and I think it's safe to say everyone gets nervous in the dark...at least a little. Today I interviewed paranormal author Michael Kleen to give us a little insight on what it's like to play with ghosts, and get paid for it. BUT FIRST! Here's some background information on Michael.

Michael Kleen earned a masters degree in American history from Eastern Illinois University in 2008. He is the author of the monthly e-serial Legends and Lore of Illinois, as well as numerous books, including the new Haunting the Prairie and Paranormal Illinois. Michael has also spoken on Illinois history and folklore at the Rockford Public Library, WTVO Channel 17, Charleston Middle School, and the 2007 Conference on Illinois History in Springfield. Michael is also the publisher and executive editor of Black Oak Presents, a quarterly digital journal of Mid-American art and culture. Currently, he is a graduate student at Western Illinois University.




BJ-C: Were you into the paranormal as a child?
MK: I've been interested in the paranormal for pretty much my entire life. In elementary school my friends and I wondered about whether our reflections were really other people in parallel dimensions. I read everything on the subject I could get my hands on and started writing short stories in middle school and high school, most of which had paranormal themes. They weren't horror stories necessarily, but were often more of a romantic (or gothic in the classic sense) view of the subject. Many of my earlier stories explored the consequences of meddling with the unknown and with forces which the characters didn't understand. I didn't start writing about local folklore and ghost stories until college, when I discovered that there were a lot of interesting local places that hadn't been written about.

BJ-C: That sounds like a Twilight Zone episode. Speaking of twists, can you see dead people like Haley Joel Osment?
MK: Who is Haley Joel Osment? Seriously, I thought I saw something dead once, but it was just my social life.

BJ-C: Mine too my friend, mine too. So, what inspired you to write about the paranormal?
MK: I was greatly influenced by the movie The 'Burbs. It was written by Dana Olsen, who lives in suburban Wilmette, Illinois, and satirizes suburban life and its relationship with horror and the paranormal. It's really a brilliant movie. Two of the characters, Art Weingartner and Mark Rumsfield, become convinced that their new neighbors - the Klopeks - are Satanists who killed an old man from down the block named Walter. Their paranoia grows throughout the movie until they finally break into the Klopeks' house to find evidence of the crime. When Walter suddenly returns home, the skeptical neighbor, Ray Peterson (played by Tom Hanks), has a moment of revelation when he realizes that the suburbs have made them all into crazed lunatics.

Shortly after, however, it's revealed that the Klopeks really were killing people, confirming Art's suspicions. The movie had a profound impact on me because it portrays modern society as having erected all these barriers to our primal fear of the unknown, but shows that those barriers are not strong enough to prevent the occasional monster from creeping in, whether it be Art Weingartner's book of the occult that he reads in the basement, or the nightmares created by the horror movies Ray Peterson watches before bed. The idea that we grow up in a world where a place like Bachelor's Grove exists - an abandoned cemetery on the periphery of Chicago where all kinds of gruesome things are said to take place, and where people see ghosts and vanishing houses - is fascinating to me. How could I not want to write about that?

BJ-C: I guess if you had some traumatic experience, that might hinder your want to write. Do you ever get scared on paranormal investigations?
MK: No, but there have been plenty of things that gave me a chill. A few months ago I accompanied the Forest City Paranormal Society on an investigation of a mobile home where the woman's brother had died suddenly. She had a mirror in her bedroom that she had draped a rosary over, and approaching the mirror gave me a really odd feeling. It was disorientating. The area also had a high electro-magnetic field from some nearby power lines, so that might have contributed to it. But it was strange none the less.

BJ-C: For as many horror movies as I watch, that sort of thing would scare the living daylights out of me. What is the craziest thing you've experienced "in the line of duty"?
MK: I consider myself more of a writer and adventurer than a "paranormal investigator." I have been on investigations before, but as a reporter and an independent observer. That being said, I have been to at least a hundred allegedly haunted places and I have taken some strange pictures. At St. Omer Cemetery in Coles County (the location of a "witch's grave"), one of my pictures has what looks like a man in a brown derby hat holding a red flower and standing behind one of the monuments. There was no one else in the cemetery at the time, besides my friend and I, and she was standing next to me.

Oh! There was one time that I was driving some friends to Airtight Bridge at night (that's also in Coles County) and we got lost. We drove past a woman and her son standing at the end of their driveway with no porch light on or anything, out in the middle nowhere. They were just staring out at the road. We kept going for a while, then decided that we were heading in the wrong direction and needed to turn around. At least five minutes had passed... and the two were still standing there in the pitch dark. That was pretty creepy. Another time out there, I accidentally drove into a corn field when the road turned sharply over a hill. I didn't see it until it was too late to stop.

BJ-C: Reminds me of an episode of "A Haunting" on the Discovery Channel. Speaking of which, what do you think about haunted house films/tv shows?
MK: Surprisingly, I'm not really a fan of "ghost movies." Ghostbusters and Beetlejuice (does that qualify?) are the big exceptions, ok, you just can't top that. But most of them have been terrible. They are usually slow and their twist endings are obvious. I need a struggle with some subtext, not just a bunch of special effects. However, I liked The Others because it referenced a lot of Victorian gothic culture. I used to watch those "haunted-so-and-so" TV specials all the time when I was a kid, but not since they started featuring these ghost hunting groups. I care about the story. I don't want to see some guy watching a view screen for an hour until a grip pulls the string attached to a lamp and everyone freaks out.

BJ-C: Do you believe in possession?
MK: Yes, with qualifications. The Roman Catholic Church has thoroughly documented possession cases all over the world, and they adhere to very strict guidelines when it comes to determining a genuine possession. But I don't think that "possession" has to be some dramatic thing in the vain of the Exorcist. Have you ever seen the movie Session 9? I think that's much more realistic. There are malevolent forces in the world, but I think most of the time their work is much more subtle.

BJ-C: I LOVE Session 9, I could talk for days on its brilliance. This is about you though, I'm pretty sure my readers are tired of hearing about me at this point. How many books do you think you'll write?
MK: As many as I can! I'll never stop writing, be it fiction, philosophy, opinion columns, you name it. I get burnt out on certain subjects, then I move on to something else for a while. Right now I'm totally drawing a blank when it comes to my social/political writing. I got a lot of that out last year. Right now, the paranormal is working for me and so I'm going to put my energies into that until I'm exhausted. Then the cycle begins again...

BJ-C: The film-Paranormal Activity: Discuss
MK: I have never seen that movie. I stopped watching American horror movies about 10 years ago after Scream 2 killed the genre (not that the original Scream wasn't a decent horror movie). The Canadians are making better horror movies now (Ginger Snaps, anyone?). Canadians! Please, give me something more than just a bunch of loud noises and one-dimensional characters.

BJ-C: Wow, you might be the only person on the planet who hasn't seen it. Take my word, see it on DVD, not the internet's horrible ending...Finally, what are you afraid of?
MK: Right now? I am afraid of Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke and the idea that we might have to choose between Obama and Sarah Palin in 2012.

Find out more about Michael @

http://michaelkleen.com/ (personal) http://trueillinoishaunts.com/ (Legends and Lore of Illinois)

10 REASONS WHY "THEY LIVE" IS SO FREAKING COOL.

This morning I had a magnificent experience when I awoke to the wondrous aroma of hamster cage and Lucky Charms. After I stumbled off of the living room couch, my mother immediately barked orders to organize my dorm and to clean out said hamster cage. Come on, it's the ass crack of dawn and I have a sleep disorder...LEAVE ME ALONE. After I stopped acting like a six year old and actually got my ass in gear (even though I think child labor laws should still apply to me when I'm feeling like crap...even if i'm 19), I was finally allowed to calm down I flipped on the telly to be blessed with the work of cinematic GENIUS that is They Live. So I obviously have to write about why its so cool. Cause let's be honest....it's really flippin' cool.

10) MEG FOSTER'S EYES

Look at them...LOOK AT THEM. Her eyes alone are worth watching this film. The ice blue is absolutely intoxicating and its impossible not to get sucked in by the vortex that is her pupils. It is in my belief that Zooey Deschanel gets all of her acting inspiration from this woman.09) THE GEORGE ORWELL OVERTONES
George Orwell's 1984 is one of my favorite books of all time. Whenever I pictured the Big Brother dystopian society, I always thought it would look something like this. This film just sort of puts my 6th grade dreams to life. 08) FRANK WILL LATER BE A VOO-DOO PRIEST LOVECHILD OF CAPTAIN HOOK AND CRUELLA DeVIL
Yes. It is true. Our smooth talking, right hand man, Frank is the voice of Doctor Facilier in Disney's The Princess and the Frog. He has a lot of other awesome things to his resume...but how can you turn down anything associated with Captain Hook? You can't. It's communism.

07) IT HAS SWEET BLACK AND WHITE SCENES
I am one of those cliche people who think b&w makes everything look better. (Shindler's List anyone?) All of the scenes shown through the sunglasses in b&w look very cool to me. It's an 80's flick which means the colors are either VERY bright or VERY dull, b&w just makes it look so much better. Not to mention, it makes those googly eyes on the aliens look electrifying.06) THE ELECTED OFFICIALS ARE THE SAME AS THEY ARE TODAY!
just saying...

05) THE LINE "FORMALDEHYDE FACE"
04) RODDY PIPER IS A STRAIGHT UP ONE-LINING BAMF
Roddy Piper as Nada is probably one of the coolest and most quotable characters ever made. He honestly gives ol' Bruce Campbell a run for his money in Army of Darkness. Everything he says is pure gold and he knows how to make a mullet badass.03) ONE OF THE BEST ENDINGS EVER
My friends and I have a blind friend who's girlfriend is just really unfortunate looking (I'm going to Hell already, sue me). We always joke about "what if he got his sight back mid-coitus?" Well...I'm pretty sure it might end up something like this...02) NADA & FRANK ARE THE TWO COOLEST SIDE-KICKS THIS SIDE OF SHAUN & ED
Admit it, you love these two. They're funny, badass, clever, and have absolutely fabulous chemistry. It really feels like the two of them could be buds in real life. You know, even after that fight thing. Speaking of which...

01) THE GREATEST FIGHT SCENE EVER
The clip shows it all, and this isn't even the whole thing!

TERRIBLE POSTER TUESDAY: Bad Biology

After almost two months of not being able to sleep, having my articles taken over for Women in Horror month, and that whole nonsense with leaving university...I've almost completely forgotten some of the things about this blog that make you fine, fine womanizers double clicking to me. It might be a few hours late, but here is a weekly dose of everyone's favorite...Terrible Poster Tuesday.

Now, looking at this poster, it's almost 100% impossible to say what the hell this film is about. There are two other posters for this film that are a little more obvious (shown at the bottom). We have a couple of kids who look like they've been photographed with an "Emily Rose" lens on the camera. It honestly looks like a rejected Twatlight poster thrown into a garbage disposal...and then pooped on and smeared around for the background.

I understand this is a super underground film (which I actually love) but having an indie, underground, low budget, film does not give you an excuse to make a shiteous poster. All of the text on this poster is so wrong in so many ways. I'm pretty sure the text came from a Photoshop 101 class and looks like someone discovered the fading technique! Yippie!

The tagline "A Godawful Love Story" is exactly what this film is, but you could never tell based off of this poster. It doesn't show "godawful love story" to me...it looks more like "spent all the budget on editing the film and not on marketing" love story. I will say, that the other tagline is "death by orgasm" which I personally think should have been on every poster. Sure as hell would grab more attention than this piece of crap poster. When the best thing on your poster is that it was made by the same people who did Basket Case and Frankenhooker...you know you've got a problem.
NOTE: I love Basket Case and Frankenhooker, but I'm not stupid and know that they don't fly with most people...and here's the other poster.